


Peach Flesh

by Angelscythe



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, Crying, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Golden Deer Route Spoilers, Gen, M/M, Multi, Psychological Torture, Second Chances, Struggle, Suicide Attempt, Whump, Whumptober 2020, no beta we die like Glenn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:21:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26857369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelscythe/pseuds/Angelscythe
Summary: General of Legend, Holst Prudentia Goneril owns everything: the cutest Sister one could dream about, a beautiful appearance, the most stunning smile in the World, a Major Crest, the power, the magic, the money, loyal and reliable battalions, and his name engraved in the Myths.But there is someone he doesn't have.The most important thing ever(Sorry Hilda): the love of those he loves to Death...
Relationships: Background - Hilda Valentine Goneril/Claude von Riegan, Balthazar Von Aldabrecht| Balthus von Albrecht & Holst Goneril, Glenn Fraldarius/Holst Goneril/Miklan, Hilda Valentine Goneril & Holst Goneril, Hilda Valentine Goneril's Father & Holst Goneril, Holst Goneril & Claude von Riegan
Kudos: 1
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	1. Endless love

**Author's Note:**

> Hi y'all!!
> 
> Thanks for coming here!!!  
> My OT3 Is Miklenholst and I'm... NUT over them. But I always end up doing AU because... well this Whumptober is kinda what would happen to Holst if I wrote more Canon thingy around Miklenholst.
> 
> Please, be careful if you don't like intense emotionnal distress.
> 
> Also, wear a Mask! Wash your hands! Stay hydrated! But... most important, remember that you're amazing and loved. You matter so much for someone, you just don't have an idea of it. Whatever you managed to success today, I'm proud of you!!!
> 
> You can join me on [@Angelscythe](https://twitter.com/Angelscythe) if you want to!!
> 
> Have a nice day!
> 
> (PS: prompt is 'Please...')

“As long as you swear me an Endless love, I’ll swear an Endless love to you…”

This wasn’t blackmailing. This was a message filled of love as their fingers intertwined with tenderness, and as those brown eyes with a blue circled riveted to the pink eyes’.

“I’ll do everything I can to cancel this wedding. I love Ingrid but not long that. I love my father but I will never able to grant him this wish. If I have to fail, I want to fail for you. Soon, I’ll belong to you… and to Miklan’s.”

Behind Holst Prudentia Goneril, his hand in his longs wavy pink hair in order to prevent them to fly in every sense because of the wind, there was Miklan Jade Gautier. His arms folded and his face sullen, his eyes held however a fragment of tenderness. He approached and circled Holst’s waist with a big arm.

“Come back soon, Glenn.”

“Please,” Holst added with a little smile.

“I will.” Glenn pressed a kiss on Holst’s lips. “I will fix everything. Just wait for me.”

“I will wait for you the whole eternity,” Holst swore.

Glenn smiled but a hint on sadness laid on that smile. “I’m sorry it’s so difficult. You could have loved anyone else.”

“But I do!” Holst reminded, pressing a finger on Glenn’s nose.

Miklan growled. “Not that you make your life way easier by loving me.”

“I love a good challenge!” Holst smiled widely. “And more important, I love you both! Beside Hilda who is perfect, obviously, you two are the only one who can make shine my life.”

“If you knew how much I love you, Holst…” Glenn whispered. “I could die for you.”

“But, please, life. Life for me. Yes?”

“Yes,” Glenn replied. He turned toward Miklan who leaned over him to press their lips together in a kiss so sweet you would never believe someone like him would be able to hold. “I am sorry they don’t let you come with us.”

Miklan groaned, again. “It’s fine. I’ll make my proofs another way.”

“I will help you if you need it. I would, however, ask one thing.”

“Whatever you wish, Night Flower.”

“When I come back, Sylvain will be intact, right? You won’t have hurt him?”

Miklan growled. His guts were full of hatred for his brother. Him who got everything. Attention, affection and, more important, a Crest! Everybody was praising him all the time because he was smart, gifted and he could do absolutely everything… Wield a weapon, a sword or even an axe. He could ride and he knew the language of Sreng and of Fódlan so everybody was in awe in front of him. People would forget that Miklan could also speak those two languages, ride, wield sword and axe, and even go with his bare fists! Everybody saw Sylvain’s efforts and not his!! Someday, he wanted to brag by showing how he managed to get the two beautiful flowers of Fódlan–Hell no, of the World!!–deeply falling in love with him…

“He will be fine. I swear,” Miklan finally replied.

Glenn seemed a bit relieved and then he looked at Holst who smiled more to him in reply.

“I will keep an eye on him, my love. If you want to, I can keep him in my room!”

“Sure you’d want that!”

Glenn caressed that long strand of pink hair gently laying on Holst’s pectoral. The first strand he touched. The first strand Miklan touched. But it wasn’t surprising since he had an asymmetrical haircut and with a shot side, and another very long, it was tempting to touch those lovely hair.

“I love you.”

“I love you so much, my darling. I’ll miss you so much. Come back to me. Come back to me, come back to me,” he pleaded against his lips.

“I will. I will, I will.”

Glenn kissed him back. Then he forced himself to pull away and turned his face toward Miklan for a last ‘I love you’, ‘I will miss you’, and, especially, for a last kiss.

Holst would really have loved to have Miklan in his room. Not only to keep an eye on him but for he loved him so much. It was so delightful to lay on his heavy muscles, caress his arms and kiss him. Bliss swallowed him when he talked with him. About everything and nothing. But he also missed him so much because of the fire spreading in his guts. Miklan was the best to ease it. Nothing could extinguish this fire, this raging desire but Miklan had the secret tool to sooth the beast within him.

But he was all alone in his room.

If he didn’t like to stay alone with the Beast gulfing his sense–every of them–he was glad to have the time to do his nails.

Tension had been reported in the Fódlan’s locket so, obviously, they had asked him to take care of the situation. Hence why he was doing his nails. He would go on the mountains and fight with Freikugel but he wanted to be pretty for that! There was nothing better than winning a combat and the fashion at once.

Pink nails with rainbows glitter above it.

This would be perfect!

As soon as it will be dry, he would leave for the mountains with Bunny. His Dragon.

Yes, he had a Dragon!

He wasn’t supposed to have a Dragon though. Goneril’s family was fighting against the Almyrans since so long and that was the reason why he was asked to them to be able to fight on the same level. That’s why he studied the Wyvern Riding in Garreg Mach. And when he studies had been done, like every rider, he asked to get an egg because in those case, especially when it came to Wyven, it was better if you bonded with your mount as soon as they were baby. They couldn’t ride them before months, years… but it was worthy!

The irony was that… to get a Wyvern egg, you had to ask the Almyrans. They were those who tamed Wyverns and produced eggs since the dawn of time. The people of Fódlan, and from Goneril especially, fought against them since centuries and yet, they dared to ask them help whenever they needed it? No wonder why Tiana disappeared beyond the mountains of Almyra…

Anyway. The Almyrans accepted to send eggs to Holst, in peculiar because the warriors of Almyras were used to fight him and valued him as such. Holst received ten eggs. Like everybody. They had to send back those they didn’t want. And amongst those ten eggs, there was one with pink spots. Of course it was the one Holst wanted! But turned out… It wasn’t a Wyvern egg but a Dragon Egg. Rayleigh Cassius Goneril, Holst’s father, had been so angry. But Holst was delighted! He had a Dragon! The cutest Dragon! And he didn’t know if they were just made for each other or if Bunny shaped themselves for him but they turned out to be a gracious slender beast with sharp claws and fangs, the body covered with pink scales and owning two big feathery wings gleaming with the color of rainbow… And Bunny also had antlers looking like ivory. To achieve the perfection that the Dragon was, they could communicate through thought and Bunny could camouflage themselves. And use thunder. Just like him!

Really the perfect companion.

Holst loved Bunny so much!!

He looked at his nails. Yup! They were perfectly fitting the beauty of Bunny. They will kill everything!

Well… not really because Holst spared as much lives as he could. But he would kill them with his fashion and his look if he could, of course!

The door opened.

Usually, people would knock before doing it. Even Hilda! So he was startled, turning his head to the entry. And then smiled.

Miklan!

He jumped on the floor and then at his neck.

“Miklan! I mi…”

“Holst.”

Miklan’s voice was so sad. So… heavy.

Holst gulped and noticed his expression. His eyes colder than never, darker than never… and they were slightly red? As if… he had cried. Miklan? Miklan wouldn’t cry… But he seemed so… Crestfallen.

“Miklan? What happened?”

“It was an ambush.”

“An ambush?” Holst repeated. “What was an ambush?”

“The King was supposed to sign a treaty with the people of Duscur. That’s what we believed… But it was an ambush. They had planned everything. They had no chances.”

“No… No! No you’re not saying what you are saying! No! No! NO! Miklan!”

“He won’t come back.”

“NO!” Holst yelled. “NO!!! You lie! You lie!! You want to keep him for you only! Keep him for you!!! Keep him for you but tell me he is alive!”

“SUNSHINE!” Miklan roared.

Holst hiccupped. “Please… Please, tell me he is alive.”

“Glenn is dead.”

“No!”

“The only thing they got back was…”

“No…” Holst whispered.

“A part of his armor, his Sword and…”

“Miklan, please…” Holst cried.

His legs couldn’t support him anymore and the gravitation possessed him. But he never touched the floor, a strong arm stopping the fall. Holst shivered. He pressed his forehead against Miklan big and powerful chest. His tears crashed on the open shirt his redhead wore.

“I retrieved it before they gave it to Ingrid.”

Holst looked down at Miklan’s palm. A silver ring with discrete jewel lodged in it.

“Glenn…”

Holst caressed it as if it was Glenn.

He always saw Glenn with it. It was the ring his father mad him wear because he was supposed to belong to Ingrid. He was supposed to offer it to her when she will be on age to receive a decent proposal. But he always said he wanted to offer it to Holst. To Miklan too but Miklan’s fingers were too big for the delicate ring.

“Glenn…” Holst caressed the ring again. “You… you are sure you don’t want it? You love him too.”

“Yeah. But I love you too,” Miklan said. “I don’t want to see you sad.”

“Don’t want to see me sad?” Holst repeated. “How do you want it to be different? He… He is dead. We lost him. We lost Glenn! And I… I…” Holst closed his hand on Miklan’s shirt, ruffling the thin fabric. “I don’t know how I’ll survive…”

“Sunshine…” Miklan lifted his chin. “Look at me, Sunshine.”

The pink eyes were filled with tears. Miklan didn’t blame him. He had cried so much when they announced him the terrible reality. And it was even worse because… while their relationship was hidden, it was known that they were best friend. But Miklan learned it because he was there. They warned _Sylvain_ from the death. And Miklan… Miklan broke everything around. He couldn’t hurt Sylvain. He had sworn it to Glenn. But he had wanted to hit him so hard. Instead, he broke everything his father cherished. Crying. Crying so hard and begging no one would see him. No one would come even though he was yelling. He was sure to have seen Sylvain at some point. But perhaps it was just his need to hate that made him believe that?

Probably.

So, no… he won’t blame those pretty eyes for crying.

Certainly not for crying such a loss.

“I know I’m nothing…” Miklan started. “But if you allow it to me… let me be the reason for you to survive.”

“I… Of course! I… I didn’t mean to say you weren’t important to me. I love you so much! You… You are very precious to me. I love you! I love you, Miklan!”

The fingers adorned of pink closed harder on the shirt as salty droplets fell on the fabric or in the pectorals covered with a red forest and freckles.

“I know,” Miklan replied. “I know you love me. I never doubted it.” He pressed a kiss in the pink mane. “I love you too.”

Holst closed his eyes and pressed his head against Miklan’s chest.

“Please… tell me it’s wrong. Tell me it’s a lie… Tell me…”

“Sunshine.”

Holst shivered in his arms. He moved his hand to slide it on Miklan’s palm. His fingers twitched against the silver ring.

“Are you sure, Miklan?”

“Yes. I’ll see it every time I will see you.”

Holst hiccupped. “Miklan…”

“Would you allow me?” Miklan asked.

“Whatever you want,” Holst replied.

Miklan knelt in front of him. He kept the right hand in his and stared at the peach skin, at the long fingers, at that hand looking so tiny in his palm. Not as tiny as Glenn’s hand. He would never hold Glenn’s hand again. Miklan forced himself to glide the ring along Holst’s finger.

“He would be so glad to see it at your finger. To marry you.”

“In my mind, he will be our husband. He will be our husband…” Holst caressed Miklan’s cheek. “Stay with me a bit more, please… I need you.”

“I’m there.”

“Make me forget he isn’t there anymore,” Holst begged. “Empty my head…”

Miklan got up and pressed their foreheads together. “I’ll do everything for you. I’m yours. My life is yours. In any sense. I’ll do anything for you.”

“I love you…” Holst whispered.

He swore him he would come back! Glenn swore him he would come back!! But he lied! He lied to him! He wasn’t there! He would never come back!

Holst wanted to scream!

For a moment, he had thought about nothing. But as soon as Miklan laid on the mattress next to him, bringing him on his chest, as soon as he saw his hand laying on Miklan’s strong pectoral and saw the silver ring… He would never be alone because Miklan was there but Glenn would never be there anymore. He had lost him and he couldn’t catch him back. He couldn’t hug him anymore.

Glenn swore he would come back.

But he didn’t.

Glenn would never come back. And he hated him. he hated everything! He hated everybody!

He hated!

He hated anything that could cross his sight! So when he saw one of his locks, damp because of the sweat, he wanted to yell. Instead, he got up and snatched Hilda’s scissor on his desk. She left scissor in every of her favorite place because she wanted to craft everywhere. Of course, her brother’s room was one of her favorite places… Holst grabbed one of the soft and precious lock and started to cut. Cut. Cut. Cut!!

“Sunshine…?” Miklan growled.

Holst threw a lock on the floor.

“Sunshine!!”

Holst grabbed the last lock of his hair. He lifted the scissor. He saw Glenn’s face. Glenn’s fingers caressing that lock. Miklan’s fingers caressing it. The very first lock they ever touched… The scissor fell on the floor and he closed his hands on the lock, as if that would allow him to make Glenn come back.

“Sunshine… What are you doing?”

Miklan got up and circled the delicate naked body in his arms.

“I… I wanted… I… I don’t know,” Holst replied. He looked up and saw his reflect in the mirror. His body shivered. “I’m ugly…”

“You will never be ugly!” Miklan protested.

“I’m ugly. I’m so ugly. What have I done… I’m supposed… I’m supposed to be perfect. If… If Glenn had seen me like that…”

“He would have fallen in love with you again,” Miklan swore.

“He wouldn’t… I’m so ugly…”

“Do you want me to fix your hair?” Miklan asked.

“Yes… Please. But…” Holst squeezed the long pink lock. “This one. I want to keep this one.”

“Very well.” Miklan grabbed the scissor. “I certainly don’t have your sense of fashion but I’ll do my best.”

“Thank you…” Holst whispered. “I want to be pretty for you too.”

“You are pretty.” Miklan laid kisses on his throat. “You will always be the prettiest for me.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Miklan cut the hair, trying to give them the same length. More or less. Holst stared at himself, at themselves, in the mirror, holding that lock in his shaking fingers.

“I was supposed to lead a battle in the mountains…”

“You are mourning, Holst,” Miklan cut short. “You are allowed to rest.”

“I’m not… I have to defend my people.”

“Sunshine.” Miklan captured Holst’s round chin to make him look at him. “Take your time.”

Holst looked down. “When you will be over…”

“Yes?”

“Will you make love with me again?”

“Yes, Sunshine. As often as you want it.”

“I love you…”

“I love you too,” Miklan replied.

Holst stared at his reflect, at the hair falling on the floor, at his naked body, and… at this ring adorning his finger.

He loved Miklan. He loved Miklan so much but… he wanted to see Glenn. He wanted to be with Glenn…

Four years later

An attack again.

Almyrans loved to attack them. Sometimes, Holst wondered if they really wanted to make a breach in the mountains or if they just wished to test their battalions. Holst was displeased because, despite the efforts, his crew had been wounded. And one of the Walkyries of his father perished in the warfare. And they had to put an end to one of the Falcons. Beatriz, the rider of the beast, had cried so much in Holst’s arms. She knew that mount for years. Like him and Bunny, they had a precious bond.

The blood of their General still strewed his face. It was the only solution to put an end to this fight. He weened to hurt him enough to force the retreat but the man moved and he lost his life. Holst despised that. He made the vow to spare as many lives as he could because… if the Duscurians had sparred Glenn’s life, he would still be allowed to lie in his loving arms. But he had just the right to mourn him…

He hated having ravished this life. Who would cry the loss of this General?

He wanted to pretend he didn’t care.

But he cared.

With his squad, and the warriors his father used to train, Holst accompanied them to the Capital, Gienrol. Bunny would bring him home very fast. His family didn’t live in the Capital but in a tiny town at the foot of the mountains. It was very peaceful and except the big mansion of the Duke Goneril, there wasn’t much. A little market the Mondays, the fishers coming around in weekends once in a while a Hunter or two. And, funny enough, lot of Almyrans. No one hated them here.

Only a bunch of Leicesterian lived here.

It was the best for the Goneril family to monitor the attacks. But it was also the best for Rayleigh to hide himself since the Great Battle where his army faced Nader’s army in one of the biggest invasion from the Almyrans. Holst was only thirteen at this time. And it changed his life forever. A few months after, he wrote his name in the History. In the Legend…

Bunny brought back Holst to home and Holst only wished for a nice and warm bath. What was better in life than lying in a porcelain tub filled with hot water where milk and rose petals danced? What was better than the bubbles caressing his body and telling him he could stop being a warrior and enjoy life a little?

Oh, he had an idea! But this wasn’t for kids!

And the Legend would certainly not remember that.

Holst jumped from Bunny back, turned toward them and pressed a kiss on their nose.

“Thank you, my Bunny.”

They could communicate by the thoughts only so talking was useless but Holst loved to babble. And as a warrior, a General, he had to yell order to his crew and not only send directives to his loyal friend. So it was easier to talk.

“I really need a bath and then, I’ll take care of your pretty wings and antlers! I think you definitely need more jewels on your antlers! Hilda made news jewels lately! You will love them because, as you know, Hilda is the best!”

Bunny laughed. What looked like a frightening sound for anyone but not for Holst who kissed again the big scaled nose.

“I’m coming back soon!”

Holst stepped away, blew a kiss to Bunny, and crossed the big garden filled with roses flowers to enter the house. As he entered the Mansion, he called a servant. He could pour his own bath, of course, but they also had so many servants that were paid for those kinds of things.

There was sound in the stairs. Holst walked toward it, toward the servant to ask them for the bath. But it wasn’t a servant.

“Hilda!!” Holst dashed toward her. “I want to hug you but I’m all bloody and…”

She grabbed him in her arms.

Oh! That was new!

But delightful.

He hugged her tenderly.

“My Hilda…” he whispered. “What are you doing here? You should be at school!”

She pulled away and sat on the step. Holst stared at her with surprise. She took his hand and tugged on it to make him come next to her.

“I had to tell you something. Something I couldn’t avoid or write in a letter. Something I had to do myself.”

Holst smiled. “That’s new from you! Should I be afraid?”

“We had a mission this month. A bandit had stolen a Relic and we had to take it back. I didn’t want to go there because I’m a delicate flower, you know, and I shouldn’t raise an axe, right?”

“Right!” Holst smiled and caressed her cheek. “So you wanna tell me you got the bandit all by yourself and you want to be praised?”

“Holst…”

Hilda’s eyes filled with tears. Holst noticed something in her hand. She was fidgeting with it.

“What?”

Hilda said she wanted to do it herself. Hilda said she couldn’t avoid it. Hilda said she had to do it in person. But this was so hard. She couldn’t do it. She knew she _had_ to do it. But she couldn’t.

She opened her hand, revealing an old and marred up golden ring with a strange shape. You might believe it was mangled because it was distorted in every sense but, in fact, it was a flower-ish outline. That desert flower that only lived in the deserts of Sreng. The symbol of Sreng’s Royalty. One of the last thing Albertine de Sreng, Heir to the Throne of Sreng before it was destruct by Faerghus’ desire of Grandeur, could have saved of her heritage. Something she gave to her older son to tell him ‘perhaps you’re Crestless but one day, I’ll make you King of Sreng. Let your brother be the Margrave Gautier, you will have a destiny’.

But said son saw in this present just a decoy. A trinket to make him believe he could be something when he was nothing.

Sreng would never be restored.

Yet, he kept this ring. As a symbol of hope.

And how often this cold ring had caressed Holst’s body, following that strong and big hand?

“N… No… How… How did you get that?!”

“Holst… The bandit… The Relic… H… He saw me. He was… He was dying and… and he saw me.”

“No! No! Hilda! No… No! It’s… it can’t be… No one could defeat him! Not him! He… He is strong and…”

“The Lance of Ruin… it transformed him in a Monster. And… And we had to…”

Holst shook his head. “It’s wrong. I can’t believe…”

“And when the Monster had been slayed… he was there. Laying on the floor. I thought he would survive. But he knew… He told me… ‘Your brother… Give this… to him..’”

“Please, no.”

Hilda looked down. A tear crashed in her palm.

“He is dead.”

“No,” Holst replied. “No. It can’t be… It can’t…”

“Holst…” Hilda whispered.

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” she said.

“He… He will never…”

“Sylvain José Gautier asked for him to be buried.”

Holst looked down at the ring. The golden ring. Then at the silver one at his finger.

“I am… alone?”

“I’m here,” Hilda said.

He rose his face toward her, his lips open in mean of telling her how much she mattered for him but he had no words. He couldn’t talk. His whole universe was shattering. If he said one word, he would break in sobs.

He couldn’t have lost Miklan!

He still hadn’t accepted Glenn’s death how could he face Miklan’s death. How could he live without them?!

“Holst…”

Hilda’s fingers were shaking as she moved them to brush the tears rolling along her brother’s chees. She saw him cry twice. Once when they were just children, when their mother left and never came back; and when Glenn died. Except those two unique occasions, she never saw him cry and it was startling her. It was surreal. Impossible… those droplets of diamonds, did they really come from him?

They crashed on the floor. So real. So provocative. Cruel.

“Holst… I’ll do anything for you,” she swore. “Just ask.”

Holst turned his head toward her, his eyes usually so full of life and joy suddenly cold. So cold. Life had vanished, scarpered.

“Bring them back.”

“Holst…” Hilda rolled her arms around his shoulders, bringing him in her embrace. “I meant… ask me for any jewels and I will do it for you? I will stay a bit longer with you!”

“You say that to avoid coming back at Garreg Mach and working.”

“I hate this place! They force me to work and no one wanna do my job at my place! Oh, I managed to get a few people do my job and there is Sylv…” She froze. No, she couldn’t talk about Sylvain! Not Miklan’s brother!!! “I mean! There is that pretty guy in Adrestia. I think I will hit on him!”

Holst let out a light laugh. “Really?”

“Yes!! He is tiny but strong! I like that in a man! But…” She pressed her finger on her pink lips. “There are some pretty girls too! And there is also Raphaël who is like so b… I mean. He has a little sister and he is cute, I think.”

“So Garreg Mach isn’t that bad…”

She took his hand, laying the gold ring in his palm. “Garreg Mach is pretty okay. I tell to everybody I’d prefer stay there rather than having you on my back but you know what?”

“What?” he asked.

He looked as she closed his hand on the ring. He was shivering. If he accepted to close his fingers on it, he would recognize Miklan’s death. He was fighting not to have his fingertips brushing the gold.

He couldn’t accept it.

He couldn’t deal with it.

He couldn’t…

“I prefer being with you. I love you, Holst.”

“I love you too, Hilda.”

His fingers twitched and brushed the ring.

“C… Can I have a bracelet? Blue and red?”

“Blue and red! I’ll add pretty flowers.”

“Yes… pretty flowers…”

Holst’s fingers fidgeted around the golden ring. He closed his eyes and saw the image of Glenn and the image of Miklan dancing on his eyelids. He was all alone. They would never come back. He couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t accept the reality and yet… yet, droplets crashing on his thighs, he glided the ring along his finger ring. Slid it until it bumped against the silver ring.

“Miklan, Glenn… You’re finally together again…” he whispered.

“They will wait for you,” Hilda said, pushing away the long braid.

Holst looked at said braid as it dangled with the movement. None of his lover would ever touch this strand again…

He knew Glenn and Miklan would wait for him… But he wasn’t sure he wanted to make them wait…


	2. With all your Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Months had passed but nothing can smother Holst's pain. Yet, when the War burst, he has no choices but to go fight Edelgard's General when they try to conquer the Goneril's Dominion.
> 
> Day 08: Where did everybody go? | Don't say goodbye

A few months ago, the War had been declared by the new Empress of Adrestia. Barely on the throne in place of her father, who crowned her before passing away, she attacked Garreg Mach, tried to destroy it and now wanted to invade every territory to make them hers. All of this had been so fast, so well prepared that everybody, and Rayleigh Cassius Goneril amongst them, believed she schemed carefully this plan for months.

Years?

They said she killed her father. And this wouldn’t have been surprising since the Minister of the Household, one of the most important and influent man, also died. And it had been proved he had been poisoned.

In Fódlan, two people were especially known for their poisons.

The Duke to become of the Leicester Alliance and the son of the poor wretch who lose his life and, with that, brought the whole system Nobles of Adrestia had established those last years.

Rayleigh watched by the window at the beautiful landscape. The mountains, the sprinkles of snow in the tops of the beautiful chains. You could see Wyverns flew through the forests there, you could guess the fauna and the flora living there if you knew them. And Rayleigh knew the mystery of the mountains inside out. The sound of the door opening took him away from his thoughts, however. He turned slightly the look, trying to discover which servant would take care of everything. He dreamed of fresh blankets. And the weather was turning warmer so…

“Can you install fewer blankets this time? I think the thick blanket would be useless.”

“I will tell it to the servants,” a joyful voice replied.

“Holst!”

“Yes!”

“I’m sorry for having mistaken you with a servant.”

“It’s fine, father. I made a bouquet and I wanted to bring it to you.” Holst entered in the view of his father and walked toward the night stand. He removed the bouquet were flowers wilted and put down the fresh one. “Here! Isn’t it better?”

“It’s better. Thank you for taking care of me.”

“That’s normal!”

Holst walked toward him and removed a flower from the bouquet.

“Holst… Don’t do that,” the man warned.

“But why not? Hilda and I are so pretty with flowers! You would be so pretty as well!!”

The man groaned. It was ridicule. Holst and Hilda were both beautiful. Such a beauty…it was hard to believe he could have given a part of his gene! Rayleigh Cassius Goneril was… well, he would qualify himself of ugly. And the years of fighting had only worsened his appearance. Since his wife ran away, without her children, at the first complication, and they barely passed moments together except the two encounters bringing to children, he truly believed she only married him for his money. And his title. And the power of his family. Sometimes, he believed she got the two children with a beautiful man. Not him. That wouldn’t change the love he held for Holst and Hilda.

But he wondered.

They were so beautiful, just on look on their body and anyone would stop to look at them. He had received so many propositions to get Hilda and even to get Holst! They were two jewels and he didn’t know how the crooked crown he was could hold them.

So, no… he didn’t believe a flower could make him beautiful.

“Father? Please, please, please. I will take one too!”

“Is this a new bracelet?”

Holst looked down at his forearm. There were so many bracelet above the long black sleeve of the turtleneck he wore. He used to always adorn himself with pink or red, warm color as mellow as his personality. But one day, when he lost his second lover, when he lost every hint of hope, he stopped wearing warm color and stripped clothes. He started to cover his peach skin and to wear only the black of the mourning he had to undergo.

Almost one year passed since he lost Miklan and the wound in his heart was still so vivid. He had lost Glenn five years ago… and he still wasn’t able to deal with the absence.

“Hilda made it for me.”

“She is taking good care of you,” Rayleigh smiled.

“She is.” Holst slid a pink flower, that lost its color as it died, in his pink hair. He leaned toward his father who gently rubbed their nose together. “I love her. And I love you, father.”

“I love you too,” the man replied. “Do you have a few minutes?”

Holst crouched in front of him, putting down the bouquet he was supposed to bring away. “Of course, father. For you, always.”

“Can you bless me with some reading?”

He looked at his son who had changed that much since he had lost Miklan. Since he had lost Glenn. It had been hard to see him cut short his hair, except that long strand. Later, he turned it into a braid so it wouldn’t disturb him when fighting with Bunny. Ironic enough, it was because of that look that Claude Von Riegan was wearing a little braid too. But after Glenn’s death, he let them grow. And after Miklan’s death, it pursued… He was taking care of them but now, they gently brushed the lower part of his shoulder and without the hairpin Hilda had customized for him, his hair would be a real pain. He couldn’t do anything with them and this was worse again when he was flying in the air on his Dragon’s back.

“Of course, father. Anything you’d want. What do we read today?”

“What if you read me a book you like?”

Holst didn’t read much. By lack of time, mostly. He had to train, had to train his squad and then take care of Bunny, of course! Take care of Hilda and help the Mansion to be pretty. And when all of this was done… you didn’t stay pretty like him just by the blessing of the Goddess. He would take long bath with perfumed water and petals, plucking all those hair he hated, making his hair all fluffy and soft. And, of course… he put on nail polish and make up. He loved taking care of himself. And when all of this was done, it didn’t remain lot of time for such things as reading.

But he knew someone who loved to read.

Miklan.

And Miklan’s favorite books were those about ugly man. Hunchback, deformed face from birth and other hideous creature. One of his favorite was the one of a man lurking in an Opera and getting a liking on a beautiful songstress. Miklan always said it was disappointing, but not surprising, because the Monster couldn’t get the lady. So when Holst got up to get the book and do some reading to his father, he decided he would change the end. The Monster would get the pretty Lady…

“Your Grace?! Your Grace!!!”

A servant pushed the door of the room, out of breath. Rayleigh was looking at his son, who sat on the floor, reading the book. He had read for his father for eleven years so, now, he was able to deal with the suspense, the emotions and the dialogues of course! He could mimic the voice and it made laugh his father.

But there…

No more laugh.

Holst looked up at the servant.

“Your Grace Holst, we were searching you. The situation is grave! The Empress is trying to invade the Alliance!!!”

“Excuse me?” Holst replied.

“They managed to cross the Great Bridge of Myrddin and the Ordelia just… let them cross their territory.”

“Why I haven’t been warned earlier?!” Holst asked, getting up.

“The news just came to us,” the servant said in a low voice.

Holst shook his head. He shouldn’t let the anger swallow him. They certainly did their best, yes! You could never foresee a battle to come, you could just comply and do your best. And with Edelgard, it was even worse because she always seemed to be one step ahead them.

“Bring me my armor,” Holst called. “BUNNY!!!”

“Be cautious, Holst.”

“Love you,” Holst replied to his father as he walked toward the door.

The servant dashed through the corridors of the big Mansion. They called for assistance. Called for someone to bring Holst’s armor, for someone else to warn the guards so they could protect Rayleigh Cassius Goneril. There were so many things to do and so little time.

Holst came in the big garden where his pink Dragon landed, the claws plowing the ground.

“Bunny!” Holst ran to them and pressed his forehead against the slender neck. “You have to scout the area. Where is Edelgard’s army?! I will make sure the Walkyries and my Chosen are soon here for the fight. Find where Edelgard’s army is and communicate it to me as soon as you can! And then… come back for me. Okay?”

Bunny let out a sound and rubbed their big scaled head against Holst’s cheek.

“Go!”

The Dragon set off and Holst stepped away. He entered in the Mansion again and felt something in his guts. He really hoped they hadn’t warned Hilda… She didn’t like to go to fight and he was fine with that. The less she would be on the battlefield, the best he would feel. He couldn’t lose her.

He couldn’t lose her!

“Your Grace!”

A servant arrived with the reliable and grand armor of the General. They knew he needed help to get ready so they started to tie the heavy pieces around him while he was fixing his hair with the precious hairpin made by Hilda. He always had them on him because he could be called at any moment. They knew for the War within Fódlan and there still were tensions from Almyra. Even though they had been soothed since Claude was a part of the Alliance as the future Duke.

“My weapon, please,” Holst called.

“Yes!”

The servant who was about to leave and get the axe suddenly stopped a few paces after.

“Excuse me, your Grace… Do you want Freikugel or…”

“Freikugel is Hilda’s weapon now,” Holst replied with a soft tone.

She never used it because she thought the weapon so gross, with the throbbing membrane.

He understood her. And, honestly? He would have done everything to make sure she wouldn’t have to touch that weapon she abhorred if he wasn’t himself disgusted by it. For longtime, he had loved to fight with Freikugel and she had been his best friend. Well, one of his best friend. But he had been glad to throw it away, pretexting Hilda deserved it for having protected the Moutains between Almyra and their territory. He just couldn’t anymore. Yes, Freikugel had done nothing. But it was a Relic that took away Miklan’s life. It was a Relic that failed protecting Glenn.

So perhaps he should have been glad to wield Freikugel so he could join them?

Oh, how he craved to join them.

But the servants brought him the axe he had made forged. He had asked that merchant’s son Hilda had talked about by the past to make him a sketch of what he wanted. And when he was satisfied, after having paid Hilda’s comrade, he had paid so much to have his new weapon made. He had to walk back on the path of War.

He had to have a weapon even though he could fight with magic or his fists. And feet. Glenn loved that in him, saying you could never disarm him and that was making him more reliable. Miklan said it was making him more dangerous. And so sexy.

He missed them…

He wanted to join them…

“Here you are, your Grace.”

The servant knelt and held out the big axe to his Duke. It wasn’t an axe with an unique side. It was an axe who held a sharp double-blade on every side of the long pink staff. One seemed to have been forged by Death itself. In the middle, it looked like a Monster’s head with a big horn creating a dangerous sharp edge. And, surrounding them, two sharp crescent of Moon with different hollows and peaks, little chains and jewels making it more beautiful. More frightening. There was lot of red, from the jewels and from some paint but it seemed that his axe kept seeing blood and would keep it the stains forever. And the other side, with a blue color, thanks to other jewels and treasures, held what appeared to be two beautiful angel wings. It looked like life and yet, it was as lethal as the other side…

“My Miklenn…” Holst whispered.

He kissed a side of the axe. Then the other.

He lowered the weapon, closing his fingers adorned with glimmering pink nail-polish around the metal length.

“I’m leaving. Warn my sister if she comes back. Find the guards and made sure they would protect her with their life,” Holst commanded.

“Yes, your Grace,” the servants replied.

Holst came outside of his Mansion, his heavy armor on his body, and he walked along the path, knowing that messages had been send to the Walkyries and to his Chosen. They should be here soon. He would protect their Dominion! The ground of his father.

A servant hurried to him, holding reins in her hand. On the other side of them, a beautiful Falcon with big wings and the hooves hitting the floor with grace and power.

“Your Grace!”

“Thank you,” Holst replied.

Bunny would be jealous but he needed to join them. Join the battle…

He climbed on the white back and pressed his heels in the sides of the Falcon.

“Come back, your Grace, please!”

Come back?

Did he want to come back?

No.

He wanted to lie under the ground. He wanted to be buried next to Miklan and Glenn, and feel their embrace until the end of the time.

But he would protect his people.

Because he couldn’t do anything else. Because if he had to be with the only one mattering, he, at least, wanted to be sure he would have done what was right. For the innocents. For his father.

For Hilda, of course…

“Why wouldn’t you fight someone of your level?!”

The voice echoed. Harsh. Powerful. And yet… melodious.

Legends talked about this like you would talk of a Mermaid because she would seduce you to your death.

The General of Edelgard’s army turned toward the voice. The Legend. The Myth…

She expected to see him come. She expected to have to bear arms against him. And here he was. Faster than he believed.

“You…” she said.

“Me.”

In front of her, Holst came down from a Dragon. A Dragon! You almost never saw those! And it wasn’t like the Immaculate. You could feel a different energy coming from that Beast… It wasn’t surprising that this person walked through history to mark his name wherever he had walked.

A Dragon!

He managed to get a Dragon!

“This is your last chance, General of the Adrestia Army!” Holst said.

Miklenn was in his hand. He was courageous, not stupid! And, in fact, Bunny was moving in such a way, you could immediately tell they would attack at the first second an attack would be launched against Holst. The expression on the Noble Dragon was clear: you wouldn’t touch his friend.

“I am Ladislava Merceus!” she said, coming down her Wyverns.

Holst smirked. So… she was a Minor Noble and, yet, she acted as if the citizens were just acceptable loss.

Or was it Edelgard’s plan?

Did she believe he would throw his weapon at her feet to protect the habitants of this town?

He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t let her take over his Dominion. Truth be told, he honestly thought about it. What was the best? Fight and risk the town to be exterminate? It wouldn’t be worth the damages. Especially if they lost the battle just after. He couldn’t take the risk to hurt the citizens and if he accepted to surrender, then, he might talk with Edelgard and protect his people. Just another way.

But they have taken the Great Bridge of Myrddin. If he didn’t react, he would endanger more than his Dominion. Oswald Von Riegan, and so Claude, counted on him.

“Lady Ladislava.” Holst rose his hand, showing the Walkyries ready to defend behind him; showing his little group of selected Warriors. “As I said, this is your last chance. Surrender now. Leave my Dominion!”

“Or what? We took the Great Bridge Myrddin! It belongs to us!”

“I will take it back, don’t worry.”

“Only if you can pass through the Ordelia Dominion. It belongs to us as well, now,” Ladislava replied. “And some of your Nobles already surrendered to us. Ordelia, Acheron, Gloucester! What will you do then? Fight your own people?!”

“I will not allow the Empire to consider the Alliance as owned. Me breathing, the Alliance will belong to itself only…”

“Then, you will stop breathing,” Ladislava said. “I will enter in the Legend and you will disappear from it!”

“Is this what you crave?”

Holst walked toward her.

She looked at him with surprise but closed her fingers on the lance she had in hand.

“Do you crave your name in the Legends? Take it! Take my place!” Holst kept walking toward her. “But you won’t take this city!” He roared.

In a bolt, he jumped forward. Ladislava barely got the time to rice her silver lance to protect herself from the first blow.

“Protect the citizens and spare as many lives as you can!” Holst commanded to his battalions.

“You’re too kind, General!”

Ladislava launched her spear toward him. He dodged it, the blade cutting a few hair and brushing his cheek.

“Perhaps I’m kind! But it’s over for you and your plans!”

He swirled on himself and the axe moved alongside, a deadly mill. The sharp edge between the dark side of the axe’s huge blade opened the shoulder of the Lady at the border of her armor. She let out a scream. And as she screamed, she launched another attack. And he dodged again.

Her Wyvern jumped on Holst. She smiled but Holst didn’t even bother avoiding that attack. He took the opportunity to hit his axe in her stomach, propelling her on the ground. The huge jaw of the Wyvern didn’t touch Holst. Instead, it was straddled by a slender Dragon who closed his fangs around the dark neck.

Ladislava shrieked.

Holst rose his axe.

“No!”

Ladislava grabbed her lance and sent it off Holst. Right toward his stomach. The sharp edge tilted against the heavy armor. And the axe came down violently.

Ladislava stopped moving.

Seconds passed in silence.

She was alive?!

She stared at him with surprise. Why?

“Surrender,” Holst said.

She breathed heavily and looked on the side. Bunny opened his big mouth, blood dripping from their fangs. Her Wyvern didn’t move anymore… She was alive but the Wyvern was dead… She rid him for three years.

And he was dead.

“ASSHOLE!!” she yelled.

She launched her lance.

Toward Bunny.

“NO!”

Holst quickly moved, the lance hitting him on the shoulder. It opened his neck as it bounced. A stream of blood sliding under the plaques of his armor.

“You’re like me!” she said with a dark laugh.

She bounced on her feet and dashed to him. Her fist moved, aiming for Bunny and touched Holst. She smiled and snatched a back-up spear at the saddle of the corpse.

“I’ll get you, Monster! ATTACK D!!!” she yelled.

Attack D?

Holst didn’t know what it was about but he knew he had to be cautious! He launched his knee in her stomach, the metal of his protection hitting the metal of her protection but the power of the action forcing her back.

Holst felt Bunny’s emotions in his mind. He looked on the side. A warrior dashed toward him. He moved on the side and a fire ball hit him. It licked his armor, terribly hot. The metal burn against his skin.

Ladislava let out a shriek of rage as she propelled her lance toward him. Bunny grabbed the lance in his big maw and broke it. The Lady General rolled on the floor, dodging the big tail that whipped her.

“I don’t want to…” Holst started.

One of the Adrestian thrusted his fist in Holst’s face. The General felt blood streaming along his lip.

Bunny growled and rose on their lower paws, their big wings moving so violently a mini-tornado was shaking the ranks of house.

Ladislava threw an axe on the Beast. Bunny growled. A roar looking like the thunder. Holst’s head was pressed against the big pink thigh and he felt the veins of Bunny through his back. He heard their pain and their hatred in his mind…

“NO!”

“It’s you on your Dragon!” the Adrestian said. “Surrender, Indomitable General. And nothing will happen to your Dragon.”

Holst smirked.

“What? Are you stupid?”

“You don’t know me… uh?” Holst asked with a smile.

His smile was beautiful. So pure. And yet… yet, it didn’t reach his petty eyes.

“It’s neither me or my Dragon. Not before you surrender!” Holst growled.

Purple lightning came from his body and surrounded the two Adrestians. They yelled. And in a few seconds… fell on the floor. Immobile. Their eyes big open. For the eternity.

“Bunny!”

Holst turned his head toward the big Dragon. As he moved toward him, Ladislava smiled. The pieces of his armor were moving as well. And there was… a tiny gap. Holst’s hand moved to caress the scales of his friend. And he heard their thought. Heard a hiss that was far away from the one of a snake, even the most dangerous, and then… Holst hiccupped. He bit his lips so violently that the taste of iron filled his mouth.

Bunny’s thoughts filled his brain.

Bunny’s fear.

The pain.

Holst looked down. There was a spear in his chest. Blood was sliding along his skin. Slithered between his body and his sweatshirt. Soaked his sweatshirt…

“It’s not too late, General Holst!” Ladislava said.

Holst broke the long staff. He stared at her with a cold smile.

“You don’t understand…” He leaned to grab his axe. “I don’t care to die. I wait for death! Every second! You attacked my Bunny… You attacked my Dominion and the citizens I made the vow to protect when I was thirteen… I’ll fight until my last breath as they did!” he yelled.

His lungs pressed against the blade and he yelled, which hurt even more. But he didn’t care!

In a bolt, he was at her reach.

No. _She_ was at his reach. His weapon was bigger. Longer.

And she just had a sword she had picked up on the floor. And she realized her error: she just unleashed a real Monster! Holst’s rage was so powerful. He launched attacks to try to _kill_ her.

If it was the last thing he had to do, he will make sure she will surrender or, at least, never invade his Dominion. Never risk to hurt his men.

Never risk to hurt his sister!

Honestly, Bunny could have stopped this fight in a heartbeat. They would have leaned over her and gulped her, it would have been over. But the truth was that… if Holst could understand the thought of the Dragon, the invert was true. And the horror of it was startling the Beast. Freezing him in a panic. That fire to fight in order to protect, the relief of all of this to be over soon, the pain, throbbing in every of his muscles.

And the Dragon could just… stare.

Fear.

Beg.

Holst launched a new attack. Ladislava yelled when the heavy weapon opened her shoulder, forcing the passage through the armor. She had only one solution to survive!

And she took it!

Ladislava grabbed the lance’s blade, opening her hand on it, and snatched it away. Blood flooded.

Holst stopped moving.

Bunny’s thoughts invaded Holst’s brain, making it throb as fast as his heart pulsed away blood. Bunny shrieked.

And Holst fell on the floor.

The pain disappeared.

No pain.

No pain at all.

“H… Holst?!”

That voice.

Holst blinked. “Glenn…” He smiled. “GLENN!!! Miklan!! MIKLAN!”

Holst dashed toward them. He couldn’t feel his heart but he was sure it was beating so hard in his chest.

“I’m so happy! I’m so happy to see you again!! Oh my Goddess! Finally! Finally!!”

He held out his hand to grab Glenn’s hand. He wanted to touch it. He needed to touch it. He wanted to hold him in his arms.

But Glenn pulled away.

Holst froze in horror.

It… it couldn’t be Heaven if Glenn pulled away. If Glenn refused to let him have his warmth he craved so much.

Was it Hell?

Hell was seeing those he loved more than anything in the World and then never touch him. Never felt his embrace ever again. 

“Holst! Holst, I love you,” Glenn whispered. “I swear Holst. I love you.”

“Then hug me!” Holst begged.

“If I touch you, you will never be able to come back in the living World. I can’t touch you.”

“Miklan!” Holst held out his arms toward him. Glenn always has been so wise and tender. But Miklan was feral, impulsive, a bit more selfish… “Take me!”

“No,” Miklan replied coldly. “No, Sunshine. You will go back there. You will life.”

“It’s useless! I don’t want to! Come on! I’ll do anything you want!”

“I want you…” Miklan said. Holst hiccupped. “… to keep living. You are… You are beautiful, Holst.”

Holst shook his head. “I was pretty for you. You’re not here anymore so I’m…”

“Miklan is right. You’re beautiful,” Glenn said. “And you will pursue your life. Perhaps you will find someone else?”

Miklan growled.

Holst sobbed. “I approve Miklan! I don’t want! You are the only one! I can’t love. I can’t love someone else than you. I want to be with you! I need to be with you…”

“I love you.”

“I love you, Sunshine.”

“Please! Please! Don’t let me go! Don’t let me go!” Holst held out his hands to them. “Please… I’m ready. I’m ready to be with you…”

“I love you, Holst.” Glenn moved a bit toward him. “I love you, I swear.”

“I love you too, Sunshine. So much. That’s why you have to live. And… I have to confess I’d be…”

“Miklan!”

Glenn shook his head.

“Don’t worry, my bad boy,” Holst said with a sniff. “You’re my everything. I don’t want to give myself to anyone but you. You two. I… I just… I don’t want to…”

“We never got the chance to say ‘goodbye’ to you,” Glenn whispered.

Holst hiccupped. “Then, please, don’t say it… If you don’t…”

“I love you, Holst. You, and Miklan of course, were my true love. I wanted to marry you.” Glenn moved forward again and seemed to want to touch him. “I’ll keep an eye on you. Always.

“Sunshine… you were my last thoughts. And I’ll keep an eye on you. But you deserve better than a bandit no one could love.”

“I could,” Holst cut short. “I love you. I love you both!”

Glenn smiled and blew him a kiss. Holst grabbed it and pressed it against his heart. He felt something.

Oh…

It was the pain.

The pain swallowed him.

He was leaving…

“I want to stay,” he begged. “I love you.”

They opened their lips but he couldn’t hear anything. Everything was dark and the pain swallowed him. He wanted to yell. He had to scream his pain… yet, his lips stayed closes. Perhaps a moan came from his lips?

But he couldn’t be sure because there was sobs.

Sobs filling the room.

He also realized he wasn’t in the floor where he had faint. For sure. The thing he laid in was clearly a mattress. And so comfortable…

Holst slowly opened his eyes and searched for the source of those sobs. Heartbreaking sobs.

And, at the second he realized the sobs were breaking his heart, he knew who sobbed.

“Hilda…”

“BROTHER!!”

She jumped on him, hugging him. Holst let out a mix of moan and laugh.

“Lady Goneril! Please! You will…”

“I’m fine,” Holst replied. “I’m fine… She can do whatever she wants.”

“Then, I have lot of ideas!”

She laughed, with lot of difficulties, and she rubbed her eyes, trying to make disappear the tears that ruined her make-up. Thought… she already lost this fight and her brother sure could close his eyes on this. For her own sake!

“Tell me more,” Holst smiled.

The pain seized him again and again. She pressed on the wound. But he didn’t care. He get why his lovers wanted to send him back here.

He couldn’t die.

He couldn’t let her…

He couldn’t live without the two men he loved more than anything in the World but he couldn’t abandon her. He couldn’t make her live what he lived…


	3. Diamond droplets beyond a sunny smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost ten years passed since Glenn's death, almost six years passed since Miklan's death and yet, something painful is still diggin in Holst's heart. Which turned him into a smiling perfect doll.  
> No one have to see.  
> No one is allowed to see...
> 
> Psych 101

The silk pillow was… wet.

Wet?

How could it be wet?

Holst pressed his fingers, adorned with beautiful nails, on the pink soft fabric and then moved them toward his face. His cheeks were wet as well. Again?! Everyday, he woke up with his face and his pillow moist. It wasn’t possible!

How could it be…?

Holst sat in the bed and stared the pillow with hatred. As if the _pillow_ had betrayed him. For a few seconds, he stayed there, staring at the wall. Then, he got up and crossed the threshold leading him to his bathroom. Like always, there was a big wooden tub awaiting to be warmed. There also was a big jug on a gueridon waiting to receive the same treatment. Magic came from Holst’s finger, lightning that brushed the jug and the tub, warming it. The white-ish water of the bath unleashed a softly perfumed steam. That soft smell of peach. Ah! He loved it so much! It wasn’t surprising that a peach smell always surrounded him. Holst removed his clothes, letting them fall on a little stack at his feet. He took the soap and, as he was about to pass it on his skin, he stopped, watching at the scar on his chest. Four years ago, when Lady Ladislava Merceus ripped open his chest, he thought he will be with Miklan and Glenn again. But he was alive. Not that it was a bad thing because… who would take care of Hilda if not him? Who would help the Alliance to survive this War if not him? But each time he saw this scar, just on his heart, he couldn’t help but think… he could have joined them. He could feel their hands, their lips… and now all it remained for him was… Two rings he loved more than anything and a scar as big as the hole in his heart.

Holst passed the soap over the scar, as if he might erase it if he rubbed enough.

He knew he couldn’t. All he could do was being sure he would be cleaner and, soon, spread the peach smell he loved so much.

And they used to love so much…

He gathered his hair together and made them foam with the shampoo.

Holst grabbed the jug after a few seconds and poured it over his head, over his long pink hair that gently brushed his bottom. The water glided along his limbs, washing away the foam and the soap. Holst lifted his long hair and looked at the only strand that ran away as he was twisting them to make them stay on a bun. That very long strand he never cut. Not when Glenn died. Not when Miklan died. He just couldn’t come to this end. It was the first one Glenn had ever touched after all. It was the first one Miklan had ever touched after all…

Holst approached the tub and grabbed a jar where so many petals laid. He removed one fistful from it and unleashed them in the warm water. He entered in the tub just after them and slid there. A few more minutes, he wanted to have time for himself. Just a few minutes before the chaos will start.

A black hard leathered pant on his longs legs, boots with a little heal and lot of belts on his waist was achieving Holst outfit going along the long pullover with an opening. An opening allowing to see the scar on his heart.

“Glenn, Miklan…” he whispered, brushing the scars. “Stay with me.”

He took a deep breath and then walked down the corridor and then the stairs.

“Is my father awake yet?” he asked to a servant.

Servant that held a stack of sheets in his arms.

“Yes, your Grace! He already has eaten and your sister is awake too. She left the Mansion.”

“Does she?” Holst asked, turning toward her with surprise.

She nodded. “Your sister said she had something important to do.”

Holst realized something as the servant was talking. He didn’t realize that his smile was frozen because it had been like that since so long. He had to smile, always, so he did. He smiled but his eyes didn’t. Why would they? They have no one for whom they might sparks. They have nothing they’d enjoy watching at. He smiled, like a perfect doll, because it was what he had to do. For the sake of his people, for the sake of his sister. And that was the most important.

But what he had realized just now…

Bunny wasn’t there.

The connection with his Dragon had vanished.

“She asked Lord Bunny to give her a ride,” the servant said.

“This… This is reassuring at least. I just wonder what mischief Hilda is preparing.”

Holst smiled. He hadn’t stopped smiling. Not a second.

“My opinion is that she wanted news gemstones for one of her new jewels.”

“Ah!” Holst smiled even more. “I selfishly want it to be for me!”

“I am sure it will be for you, your Grace.” The servant bowed her head. “May I remind you that you are awaited for a War council in two hours?”

With the War, and with the Almyrans who calmed their attacks, Holst had left the little Mansion of Reeibet’s village, nestling in the arms of the Mountains and bringing a strange feeling of security. Strange because that was not far away from Fódlan’s locket and so from the direct source of attacks. And yet… it felt so safe.

Now, they were living at Flusat, a big town at the headwaters of the second biggest River of the Alliance: Blutstrom. It was dividing the Alliance. From a side, the Goneril’s Dominion, keeping an eye on the Mountains Chain along Almyra; from the other side the Edmund’s Dominion and the Legends saying that Blutstrom actually started somewhere in Kupala, with their Myths and those Legends so many people from the Alliance feared.

Holst located himself in Flusat because it was at a few paces of Riegan’s Dominion and he could access the meeting more easily. Today, without Bunny to bring him to Derdriu he felt the need even more…

He had to leave now.

“I need you to prepare a Falcon, please,” Holst replied to the servant.

“Obviously! I think Ira is preparing a Falcon. But you should eat something, your Grace.”

“Should eat something? Oh, of course. Please, bring me something I can eat on the road. I wouldn’t make wait our beloved Duke and ruler, right?”

“Right!” she replied. “But also… please, take care of yourself. We wouldn’t want to lose you.”

She smiled but brighter than him. Him who was just a shadow…

Him who always had been so lovely, so tender, when the Duke Oswald Von Riegan died… he never stopped smiling. At the burying, he still smiled. Everybody was looking sad or crying. But he smiled. Even Rothschild Perseus Gloucester hadn’t smiled while the burying! And everybody knew he craved the role of ruler. Everybody knew he only hoped for Claude meet his demise as well.

The Margrave Edmund had been so angry against Holst. How dared he smiling that way?! But Claude protected Holst. He certainly felt what was beneath this smile…

This perfect smile. For a perfect doll…

“Please, your Grace, tell me if I have to meet you in the garden to give you your breakfast or rather in the stable?”

“The garden will be perfect,” Holst replied. “Should I bring flowers?”

A few years ago, when Holst was just a joyful child, the servant would have laughed ‘at a War council?’ But today, it was different. Holst had almost reached thirty. He was smart, strong, competent and very loved. Bringing flowers at a War council wasn’t a whim of a child who didn’t know how he had to act. Bringing flowers was his way to act.

Make everything pretty.

Turn what’s ugly into something beautiful.

Bring joy.

Bring happiness.

Cover the blood of the World with Flowers.

Hide what was ugly.

“I think so! We have beautiful Euphorbia that sprouted in the garden.”

“Yes! Euphorbias! I will make a bouquet of them. Thank you!”

The servant knew the pain Holst must have. It had been so long since the last time he had the time to make his own candles, to take care of his garden. There was so many conflicts, so many council, so many problems to deal with…

Holst came outside and walked in the garden to retrieve the precious flowers. He added a bit of herbs to make it prettier and other innocent flowers like daisy. Especially the one a bit pink.

It was more beautiful when it was pinkish.

To his opinion, at least!

Holst gathered flower and flower until the servant joined him with something to eat quickly and one of the best Falcons of the stable.

“Your Grace?”

Holst swirled on himself, still smiling. “Ah! Perfect! Thank you. I will be back in a few hours. When I will be back, I will do a patrol in the mountains if Hilda is back. And probably a patrol in the frontier.”

“Very well. But do you come back around noon?”

Holst climbed on the Falcon’s back, holding the flowers in his arm.

“Hm… Yes, I think so.” He leaned to have the sandwich with eggs the servant made him. It was one of the only thing he truly accepted to eat when he was about to leave but it always hold a feeling of bitterness. Holst loved this meal and hated it. How often he had asked Miklan to come in mission with him and they had to leave quickly so Miklan made something alike? “Thank you very much,” Holst said before biting in the meal.

“You’re welcome your Grace. We will make a mushroom stew for when you will be back at noon. Please, come take it before leaving for your patrol.”

“War doesn’t take a break, Ieke…”

“I know. But what will you do, your Grace, if you lack of food and… faint?”

Holst stared at him with a smile. Peaceful, frozen… a doll’s smile. A Perfect smile.

“It won’t happen, don’t worry. I’m the General of Goneril’s Army. I have to take care of my people. Thank you for your concern, thought.”

“Your Grace…”

Holst pressed his heels on the sides of the Falcon, making her set off.

The servant had a despaired look and would have loved have the words to hold him back. To put a bit of sense within him! He shouldn’t be… always smiling, no matter what…

In the big Reunion room, Claude was talking with Lorenz and the Margrave Edmund. It was true Rothschild Perseus Gloucester had rallied the Empire and was ready to hand over the Alliance to Edelgard if he received the guarantee to obtain that Nation he craved for since so long… Lorenz, however, was loyal to Claude. He used to hate Claude, believe he was unworthy of the title and the honor that fell upon him but Claude proved Lorenz wrong. And now, Lorenz gladly sided with him. He would follow him no matter where. He wanted to protect the alliance against Edelgard’s shadow…

Beside Lorenz, who hoped to see Marianne but had been greeted by her father, and Karsten Von Edmund, there was Judith. She wasn’t counted anymore in the big strength of the Alliance but Claude didn’t care. Why would he? Judith was a loyal and strong warrior. Having her by their side was more important than what their ancestor had created. It wasn’t just politic and moving your chess pieces here and there. It was a War.

The door of the room opened and looks turned toward it as Holst crossed the threshold. His hair danced in the wind and he appeared as a surreal view. And yet, Judith wasn’t impressed; yet, Karsten Von Edmun had a growl. That guy who smiled so happily at Oswald Von Riegan’s funerals…

Claude smiled.

He could remember how he was thrilled to meet this General of Legend, five years ago. His grandfather had let him take over the responsibilities of the Alliance because he couldn’t do it himself and when he heard, from Hilda, that Holst would come, he was just like a little child. Holst’s name was known beyond the mountains of Almyra. And when that man managed to take down Nader, _Nader the Undefeated,_ he had wanted to see him so much! In fact, when he befriended Hilda, he had no idea she was the sister of that man he wished to encounter. And when she finally presented them to each other…

It looked like a dream.

Holst just survived a mortal wound in order to defend his territory and his attack had managed to protect the whole Alliance. If Acheron and Rothschild Perseus Gloucester hadn’t been so greedy, if the Ordelias hadn’t been so afraid, Holst would have secured the whole Alliance. All alone. But when he had seen this perfect smile, this perfect look, coupled with cold eyes disappearing in the distance, he understood nothing would ever offer him the real dream.

He respected Holst! The General was smart, benevolent and would always make sure that the people’s security and rights pass first.

But… while Holst was certainly the General of Legends a little Khalid craved to meet, he wasn’t the amazing big brother Hilda had described. And for months, he had believed she had lied. From what Claude knew, she lived in the shadow of her brother and what shadow! Of course she always said he was annoying and everything. Yet, Claude knew she didn’t lie when she talked about his worries, about how he was always there for her, how he was so positive and cheerful.

But those two last things…

Claude will never be fooled by the cold smile and armor the General was wearing.

“General Goneril, what a pleasure.”

“Your Grace Riegan,” Holst replied with this perfect smile. “I brought you flowers.”

“I see that. They are beautiful.” Claude approached to take them. “What are their messages?”

“The obvious lack of professionalism of the General Goneril!” Edmund growled. “We have no time for gardening! The Adrestian army attack relentlessly from every side and as long as the Great Bridge of Myrddin…”

“We will conquer back the Great Bridge of Myrddin and stop this madness,” Claude replied as he took the flowers.

“What proof we have?” the Margrave asked.

“We will launch an attack soon,” Claude replied.

“Your personal team is strong, but this isn’t a proof,” Edmund protested.

“I will back you up, your Grace Riegan. With my father’s Walkyries and my Chosen, we will prevent any battalions to come help the Empress’ army.”

“Any battalions?! The Adrestian Army is bigger than ours! And they can attack from Gloucester’s side and the Ordelia’s side. Plus Adrestia! It’s doomed to failure!”

“I’m sorry but I have to approve the Margrave on this point,” Judith said. “They surround the Great Bridge of Myrddin. I trust you Claude but this is madness!!”

Holst walked toward the big table. “Your Grace Riegan, may I?”

“Yes, please, General!” Claude replied.

“You will take the Bridge with your squad. I will deploy my Walkyries and Chosen in the Ordelia’s Dominion. They will defend you there. Ännchen will lead them, I have full trust of her and her skill. You have no risks. I’m warrant of it. I will take Bunny and secure the arrival of strength from the other side of the Bridge.”

“This is stupid!” Edmund yelled. “Do you really believe you are that strong!?”

“Yes, I am,” Holst replied.

“Why?! What makes you so amazing?!”

Claude didn’t approve yells and shriek in a middle of a War Council but he said nothing. He had to agree with Edmund. Not on the plan, though. He knew the strength of Holst and what he was able to do. Plus, Claude’s squad had Hilda within it and Holst would do absolutely everything to assure her security. But seeing Holst always so peaceful, never reacting to anything… it was unnerving.

Sometimes… often! Always… he was just there smiling. And nothing could reach him. No insults, no yell, no begs, no fear…

He could show compassion to someone who was in fear but he will never change this perfect face he showed.

And this was terribly annoying.

“I will give my life if I had to in order to assure this victory. If we have this victory, we will be able to get over the control of our Nation. This will give me enough strength to hold this battle. And with my Crest…”

“The General Goneril is right on this point. He has one of the most useful Crest. He will secure our victory. Plus, nothing proof a battalion will be send from Edelgard’s side. But if she does try to send one to us, Holst can fight them. We will win this Bridge again and we will join Holst. If he is overwhelmed by Edelgard’s units… we will be there,” Claude announced. “But for this, Judith, Margrave Edmund, I need you to make sure no one will come from Gloucester’s Dominion.”

Judith and Karsten looked at him.

“Does it seem good to you?” Claude smiled.

“It does for me,” Lorenz said. “I doubt my father will come in the battle. But if he does… I don’t think he will deserve to continue.”

“Are you ready to face that option?” Claude asked.

“Yes. I’m ready to face his death.”

“Don’t say that,” Holst replied with his peaceful smile. “You’re never ready to face death.”

“I don’t have the chance to have a loving father as you did, your Grace Goneril… All my life, he tried to dictate me what I should do. And I had a very inappropriate behavior towards beautiful flowers because of him…” Lorenz said. “Believe me. I am ready for this loss.”

Lorenz looked at Claude. Since he had decided to side with him and not his father, he lived with Claude, in his big Castle. That was one of the reasons why he liked him so much now. He knew him. He learned to see more than an outsider. More than the lies and the appearance.

“If this is what you believe,” Holst calmly replied. “But if you need it, I will be there for you.”

“Thank you,” Lorenz replied. “Hilda will remain untouched.”

“Thank you. I wouldn’t be able to bear her disparition,” Holst said.

With a perfect smile and no emotions in his eyes.

That would kill him to lose his sister. But he was one of the biggest General of the Alliance, of Fódlan, he couldn’t show it. He couldn’t show how this would destroy him.

He had to be perfect.

A perfect doll…

A promise was a promise so what Holst could do except coming back home before doing his patrol in the mountains tearing apart Fódlan and Almyra?

Keeping his promise had a reward, though, because, as he approached his Mansion, he felt Bunny.

“ _Bunny!!!”_

_“My friend!”_

_“My Bunny!! I missed you so much!”_ Holst send through their connection.

Through their connection, it was difficult to be _just_ a perfect doll because it was the language of his mind. He was him. Just him and Bunny could feel the flux of his thoughts. When he was sad, when he was happy…

The Dragon was the only one who could enter in his secret Garden.

Their connection, those ten years, almost at least, of fighting alongside, of talking when no one could hear them, had forged the most powerful of bond. So Bunny had all the rights. But that wasn’t what will erase Holst’s unbearable sorrow.

Holst’s unbearable turmoil…

Sometimes, Bunny had to undergo it when Holst’s train of thoughts derailed while they were sharing their connection. And the Dragon had no ideas how their friend was strong enough to endure that all the time…

“ _Should I devour your mount?”_

_“Please, don’t. You were with Hilda and I had a War Council.”_

_“So it is my fault?”_

_“A bit.”_

The Dragon growled in Holst’s mind.

As Holst approached, the Falcon preparing her landing, Bunny came from the Garden, ready to welcome their friend. The Falcon tensed and Holst had to control her to make her land without harm. The Falcon whined and Holst jumped from her back to let run away in the stable. And it was a smart move from the mount because the General could sense the desire of Bunny to devour the poor animal.

“I’m here, Bunny.”

And here it was… the perfect doll again. The Dragon growled and rubbed their cheek against Holst’s cheek.

Bunny stepped away and moved toward the big mansion. So, obviously, Holst followed them. He needed to come inside for taking that bowl of stew he swore he would take anyway.

For the very first time, or the first time since very long, Bunny seemed impatient for Holst to enter the Mansion. But it was weird. Bunny couldn’t enter there. Not that Holst, younger, hadn’t tried to make them come inside. They were just too big… But Bunny loved to stay around Holst so they were more the kind to find any subterfuge to have Holst staying outside with them…

Holst entered the house, swirled on his heels to blow a kiss to Bunny, and spun again so he could join the dining room. The smell of a mushroom stew floated around, caressed his nostrils and invited him to come forward, faster.

Tired, Holst had to recognize he wanted to sit a few minutes.

He pushed the door of the dining room.

“Franz…” he started. Franz was the servant who always handled the food service and most of chores around this. “Oh my Goddess!”

Holst had a hiccup.

It wasn’t true.

It couldn’t be possible!

“Is it you? Is it really you?!”

“Of course it’s me! Who else do you want to be? No one can be like me!”

“It’s not… It’s not…”

“It’s possible, Queen.”

Holst hiccupped. He wanted to smile but he couldn’t do it. He wanted to throw himself at that person’s shoulders but he couldn’t neither. He was a General. The Fate of the Alliance was within his hands, since Claude made him clearly understand that he didn’t want to do it and would let him take care of everything. It had always been planned as such so Holst was fine with that. But he had to prove he could handle this. He could lead the citizens. And so, he had to stay a perfect doll, with a perfect attitude and a perfect smile…

“It has been so long since the last time I saw you, Balthus Von Albretch. When was it exactly?” he asked, walking toward him.

“Oh. Seven years ago? Eight? I ran away a bit after we left Garreg Mach. I had already so many bounties on my head. And guess what?! It’s even worse now!” Balthus laughed.

By his side, Hilda laughed too.

Holst smiled. Calm. Peaceful.

“You’re not happy to see our Baltie again?” Hilda asked.

“Of course, I’m happy to see him. Will you stay?”

“I hope so? Most of my bounties have been sent by the late Duke so now that he’s dead, I can crawl back from the darkness I went in.”

“But I suppose you won’t stop doing mischief. When will you get your next bounty?”

Holst was still smiling the same way.

Balthus laughed and shrugged. “That’s the question! But look at you! So powerful and beautiful! Where is the chaotic and careless young lad I remember?”

“A war happened, Balthus. And I have responsibilities.”

“You had responsibilities too back then.”

Holst nodded. Hilda stared at her brother and bit her pink lip. She hopped to see him jump on Balthus’ neck and yell of happiness but he stayed calm. Stoic. She just wanted to see him _react_ a bit. She really wanted to see her brother just as she remembered him. Where was the joyful man who could find happiness in everything? Where was the man who would always cheer her and caress her hair, swearing everything would be alright? She remembered his positivity and so, she hated that perfect stance, that perfect smile. That perfect… stranger.

Oh yes.

He was her brother but he was a stranger for her…

“I’m glad to see you back, Baltie. Really! It’s so good… I thought you had disappeared and you will never come back.”

“To be honest, I didn’t plan coming back, my Queen. I hid under Garreg Mach and I planned to finish my life there, protecting those who would need it. But I encountered your lil’ sis’ one day and she came pick me up a few hours ago. She said you wanted to see me.”

“I never said such a thing. But it’s a reality. I missed you.” Holst walked toward him and held out his arms to him. “I really missed you.”

Balthus grabbed him and tugged him in a huge and warm embrace. He pressed their forehead together and caressed the long pink hair.

“If you knew how much I missed you…”

He really would have loved to see him scream and dance and sing…

“Please, stay with us for the diner.”

“Of course. Hilda said I could stay here and if a bounty hunter come here to harvest me, you will protect me, right?”

“I will always protect you,” Holst replied with a nod. “But can’t you do it yourself?”

“I can!” Balthus replied. “I’m sure I would do better than you!” he laughed.

“It’s possible.”

Balthus lost his smile.

“Holst…”

“Yes, what?” he replied.

“You changed.”

“We talked about that yet: yes. War changed me.”

“I want to see my old pal back.”

“I understand,” Holst replied.

“I don’t want you to understand!” Balthus yelled. “I don’t care if the War have changed or not?! You are supposed to _react_ when things happen!! Something is happening right now! Someone you hadn’t seen since age is back into your life! React! Do something! Say something _real_!!”

“I understand you’re angry but this is who I am now, Balthus. I don’t want to upset you but I have to keep a cool head. People _count_ on me. I know you understand.”

“No!” Balthus replied.

Holst walked toward the table and tugged a chair to sit.

Hilda looked at her brother then at Balthus. Which seemed so angry. He hated that doll. He hated how he was just… there but absent. No wonder why Hilda came to see him and begged him to help her.

This… Monster had to disappear.

“He always smiles but that’s not a real smile. He never gets angry. He never cries. He is there. But he is not there. Holst is trying to protect himself…” Hilda whispered.

Sat in the stairs of the garden, she had looked at him as he left the domain to go on patrol. In the mountains bordering Almyra and, later, to go in the border of the Alliance. It would be perfect to make sure he could help Claude to take over the Great Bridge of Myrddin.

“I don’t need him to become who he was before. Not for me,” she replied. Balthus looked at her. “Not for me, Balthus. He isn’t living. And I want him to live again. He forgot how to live and I think… I believe even I, I don’t matter anymore. His words, his gestures… It’s as if Holst died that day, when…” She touched her breast. “I thought you would make him come back.” Tears rolled along her cheeks. “If he is just a shadow, just a stupid doll, I… I would prefer him to be dead!”

“Hilda!”

“This isn’t a life, Balthus! He isn’t living! I… I can’t recall the last time he has been _him_. That’s what he is condemned to do? For the sake of our people?! Just staying there, smiling and pursuing for others?! This carapace… This carapace has to break, Balthus! Or…”

“Or you will kill himself by yourself?”

Hilda had never said such words out loud and, somewhat, she was glad _he_ told it for her…

She just had to nod.

“Do you think you can do it? Do you really believe someone like you… I mean! You tough! I like you! I know you’re just like him. When you stop thinking about the nails you might break, you really one strong gal! But… He is stronger than you, Hilda.”

“But he will never hurt me,” she said. “You know it. He would let me kill him rather than hurting me.”

“Right…” Balthus sighed.

“I don’t want to kill him. I don’t want to hurt my brother! I love him! I need him! But he needs to… He needs to… come back… He needs to come back, Baltie. I tried for five years and I really believed you… You would do it.”

“Give me a bit of time,” Balthus growled. He walked toward her and sat next to her. “Give me a bit of time, okay? Gal… Hilda…” He held out his hand to pat her pink hair. “I need to find the fault. And when I find it… I’ll hit so hard in it, the beautiful porcelain mask will fall and he will come back! You trust me, uh?”

She stared at him.

He leaned toward her. Toward her red eyes and her wet cheeks. But he wasn’t a Knight, he wasn’t a gentleman and he just had ‘Lord’ the name. He wouldn’t take out a beautiful fabric to pass it in her face with grace and beautiful words. He wouldn’t tell her ‘give it back when you want, Princess.’ Instead, he used his sleeve and rubbed it on her face.

“I’m the King of Grapplers. I’m his best friend! And I have one word.”

“Yeah, Baltie… I trust you.”

For two weeks, Balthus did his best to talk with Holst, to make him react. But it was hard to get some time with him. Holst was too busy. He had to protect the Dominion, he had to undergo some reunions with Claude, had to fight… He had this big battle to recover the Great Bridge of Myrddin incoming.

How could Balthus get a few moments with him?

He shared the meals with him when Holst allowed himself a moment of rest. And even that, it was rare. So rare… Balthus did his best to grab moment with him but ended up participating to the training of Holst’s squad in hope to get instant with him.

But Balthus needed more.

Holst needed more!

Way more!

Balthus had made a promise to Hilda and for her, and for Holst!, he would keep his word!

He had tried a lot, as much as he could, but nothing had reached this broken mind…

And he would!

One day.

This time?

“My Queen!!”

Holst was looking at parchments a servant was handing him. He walked. He didn’t pay attention to anything.

“My Queen!”

Balthus grabbed Holst by the waist and made him swirl toward him.

“Come train with me!”

“I’m sorry, Baltie, I have a lot of work still…”

“I know, I know. You always have a lot of work still. And I wanna see if you’re still able to fight or not! I saw you command but what about fighting?!”

“I’m a General and I wo…”

“No, no, no! I want to see you fight! You’re the Queen of Grappling but do you still deserve the title? I prove my value as King of Grappling every day!”

Holst stared at him. “Don’t call me like that. Queen is fine but not that,” he said with a calm tone.

“Fight me and win, and I will stop.”

“I have to win to get what decency request?” Holst asked back.

With a calm tone.

The servant glanced at Balthus who kept smiling but was twitching a little. He wanted him to react more! Dear Goddess!! Where was the beautiful tornado that would scream and smile, be a wind of fresh and positivity but could cry? Or would hide his cry but with way more vibrant love and positivity and not… that armor colder than the one he wore… He wanted to make something happen on that face.

“So. My Queen of Grappling. Do you spare with me?”

Holst had no time for this. He had still so much to do. So much pressure on his shoulders. And if he delayed his works and something terrible happened for the next combat? The next one was the one planned for the Great Bridge of Myrddin! Soon, Hilda would leave for Garreg Mach where it was planned for everybody to meet. From Garreg Mach, they could attack the Bridge without Edelgard noticing it.

But this spar could also make him in condition for that big fight to come…

“Very well,” Holst replied.

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

“Come with me in the garden then!”

And on those words, Balthus grabbed him and lifted him as if he was a Princess. Holst let him do it and let him bring him to the big garden Holst loved so much. Balthus threw him on the floor but Holst had no difficulties to catch himself. He hadn’t even been dirtied by the dust on the floor.

“Fists, isn’t it?” Holst asked.

He grabbed the loved strand of pink hair, slid it in his mouth and then gathered his long mane in his hands to finally roll the strand around it and so secured his hairdressing. All of this had been done in heartbeat. He really was used to get ready for a battle. In any second, whatever if he was chilling or trying to sort affairs, he had to be ready for battle. It always had been like that. Even when he was only a teenager.

It wasn’t surprising that he was such a blessing for Garreg Mach.

The careless and positive young men who always startled everybody because he would win mock battle without efforts. Because he managed to win the Battle of the Lion and the Eagle with no efforts but one broken nail. The guy who defeated not once but _every time_ the one the whole Monastery believed would be the strongest: Glenn Victor Fraldarius.

And yet, back this time and still now, he was a smile and beauty.

He didn’t show off his muscles like Balthus would while claiming how strong he was. He was a silent strength.

“Yeah. You will see I’ve done a lot of progress, my Queen!”

“Hm… You will lose anyway, Balthus. You never won over me and I will not let you call me ‘Queen of Grappling anymore’.”

“Come on! It’s a cute name!” Balthus said, throwing his long vest on the floor.

“You can call me ‘Queen’ but that’s all.”

Balthus approached him. “So, if I win, I’ll definitely make you my Queen!”

He smiled and grabbed the round chin in his fingers. He wasn’t much taller than him and yet, with his muscles and his way to lean over Holst, he looked as tail as a mountain and had a ringside seat to see the sparkle of anger in Holst’s eyes.

It was the first glimpse of emotions he truly saw within him in two weeks!

But from there, it was also the best way to end up on the floor. In a heartbeat, Holst had thrown him on the floor and Holst’s foot was on his chest.

“Giving up already?” Holst asked.

“Na! Missing your youth when you wore skirts. It brought such a beautiful view back then!”

“I know. I would certainly startle my enemies if I kept going with it. I should do it again.”

“Sure!”

Balthus grabbed his leg and tugged so violently on it, Holst lost his balance. Balthus punched his friend while he was falling and managed to throw him on the floor. Balthus jumped on his feet but stayed at distance while moving his arms in order to prepare the next blow.

He knew Holst wouldn’t stop there.

Holst always won over him and, to be honest, he didn’t expect to win this skirmish. They both had taken another path. Balthus started to fight to protect the weak in the maze of the Abyss; Holst kept defending the country against the best warriors of Almyra.

They grew.

Differently, but they grey. And while Balthus was still proud of his muscles and his strength, he had to recognize Holst had could only grow as much as him. No… Holst had grown better than him. The more they fought, and the more Holst showed how easy it was for him to win. Not only he had move Balthus hadn’t saw before but he also didn’t seem to get tired. No wonder why Holst’s name was written in the legend. No wonder why no one managed to defeat him yet. Not even the ‘Undefeated’ Nader…

Balthus had no idea how he could win. But worse than that… he had no idea how he could break the armor Holst had constructed around his slender body.

What could he do?!

Balthus had to find the idea very fast because, the more they fought, the more he was losing. And soon… soon it would over. Soon, he wouldn’t be able to get back. And Holst barely breathed faster.

How many times he had thrown him on the floor yet? Balthus stood again and dashed to Holst. He launched one, two, three blows but Holst dodged every of them and threw his own fist in Balthus’ jaw. Balthus couldn’t believe he had said they shouldn’t use feet! What it would have been if they used feet?!

Especially because Holst had longer legs and he would always keep him on distance.

And if Holst could have his axe…

Balthus really had no chances.

And now…

Now, he just wanted to reach the porcelain mask. If he could squeeze and break it.

If he could…

Balthus’ back violently hit the floor.

“You still want to fight?” Holst asked.

“Na… That’s fine,” Balthus growled. “You’re not my Queen anymore. Happy?”

“I don’t want to be your Queen of Grappling. That give me the feeling I belong to you. And I only belong to…”

Holst looked down at the hand wearing those two rings that marked Balthus’ face at so many places.

Balthus stared at him. He pushed the long leg away and got up to grab his hand. Holst was surprised but let him do it. Until he felt the big fingers coming around the precious ring.

“What are you doing?!”

A glimpse of emotions.

“They are dead! And you should throw away their rings! Throw away their ghosts and start living!”

“Shut up!”

Balthus tugged on the rings. Holst closed his hand on his and tugged back. His foot came behind Balthus’ and swept violently. In a second, Balthus’ back hit the floor and Holst was above him, his thighs squeezing his throat.

“If you touch my rings, I’ll kill you!”

Balthus didn’t know if he was happy or not…

Holst reacted! Holst had rage spreading on his face!! But Balthus couldn’t breath anymore. And Holst could really kill him.

Balthus tapped the thighs with one hand then raised them, trying to show to Holst he had no intention to harm him. Balthus made sure his hands were as far away from the rings as possible.

Holst stared at him and spread slightly his thighs, allowing Balthus to breath.

“Thank pal,” Balthus said with a sigh.

“I should have killed you…”

“You shouldn’t live in the past, Holst! They are dead! It’s time you move forward and you forget them!”

“NO! No! No!!”

“It’s time you allow yourself to love someone else!”

“No!” Holst protested. “How could I?! Everybody would be so blank and uninteresting next to them?! They were the love of my life! They were my ideal! How could I move forward?”

Holst’s voice was about to break.

He had yelled, he had showed anger and he was on the edge of tears.

“I love them. I love them so much! I won’t betray their love with someone else!”

“But you will betray yourself?!”

“Betray myself?”

“Yeah! Will you betray yourself? Hilda?! You are not yourself anymore! You are always so cold! As if no one could reach you! As if nothing mattered! You have that stupid perfect smile!”

Holst tensed. “I’m… I’m trying to be perfect. I’m a General, Balthus. People count on me.”

“Yes! People count on you! _Hilda_ count on you! She counts on her brother! Not on that stupid General who show no expression! She needs more than that! Can’t you see this?”

“I… I don’t… I… Of course, I see it. But…”

“But what? Why is it so important to never let your emotions go through?!”

“Because…”

“Because you’re a General?! Because you have to be perfect?!”

“I’m trying to be perfect…” Holst whispered again. “And what do you want me to do?! You said I had to forget them and you’re not that wrong! I… I miss them. All the time. Every day, every second! I want to think about them! I want to…” He gulped. “I want to cry. But if I cry…”

“If you cry, what?!”

Balthus sat, making slide Holst on his thighs.

“It will never stop.”

Balthus saw the tears at the corner of Holst’s eyes. He saw how Holst was fighting. He was about to break and that was all Balthus waited. Holst had to break. Be himself… If only Holst could come back and be the one they loved so much. He believed in him.

“And what? You think you will stop being efficient in battlefield? You won’t! You will stay efficient and you will still be able to handle any fight! Who cares if you cry?!”

“I care! I care!!! I’m supposed to be perfect! I’m supposed to handle everything! Father counts on me! Claude counts on me! I can’t… It’s War! And… and this is just so ridicule! How people would react if they know I’m still crying six years after Miklan’s death? Ten years after Glenn’s death?”

“You’re still crying? You’re crying?”

“NO!!” Holst got up and stepped away. “No! No I don’t cry! I can’t!”

“Holst! That’s enough!” Balthus got up and grabbed Holst’s wrist, forcing him to turn toward him. “What are you trying to hide?! Why are you trying to hide anything from me?! Am I not your best friend?!”

Holst bit his lower lip. So hard, a scarlet pearl appeared just under his teeth. He fought even more against his tears.

Balthus wanted to find the word to make him yield to his tears.

“Every morning… when I woke up… I realize that… I cried in my sleep.”

“This is fine, Holst,” Balthus replied.

“How could it be fine?!” Holst asked. “I’m… I’m crying! I… It’s been so long and I’m still crying as if it happened yesterday. I am…” Holst closed his eyes and hugged himself.

“You are what?”

Balthus approached him, still holding firmly the peach wrist.

“… weak.”

“Weak?! You?! You beat everybody! You deal everything! It’s fine if you cry!”

“You say that?! You always smile and support people! You’re always the strongest! I’m the highest General of Fódlan! I am the right hand of Claude! I am the defender or the border! I can’t show my weakness!”

“No!” Balthus growled. “You said you still loved them that much after all this time! If you still love them that much, you should be allowed to mourn them! You’re not weak because you are suffering. I didn’t see you a lot with them but at Garreg Mach… Damn, I never saw you happier than by their side! You are valid for suffering and you are not weak for crying! Or showing any emotion! Hilda is terrified to lose you! You shouldn’t… You shouldn’t hide your feelings as if it was nothing but a sign of weakness. Especially not to your loved ones. If you want to hide it in War council, yeah, you’re valid! If you want to hide it on the battlefield, I think you’re lucid! But to your family?! We are here for you, Holst!” Balthus tugged him closer and stared at him in such a way that Holst couldn’t help a shiver. Not a shiver of fear. He was overwhelmed by the strength of Balthus’ feeling. “Laugh with us. Be angry to stupid things with us or even _at us_!! Cry with us. Be you! Because if you stop being you… what’s the point?”

Holst opened his lips but said nothing.

“What would they say…”

“What would they say?” Holst replied.

“Your Glenn, your Miklan. If they saw you like that… what would they think?”

“Please…” Holst whispered. “Don’t say that. I can’t… I can’t disappoint them.”

“They wouldn’t be disappointed if you want my opinion!” Balthus growled.

“You don’t think?” Holst asked under his breath.

Balthus shook his head. “They would be worry. They loved you. If you just… could be you again…”

Holst looked down. “I… I’m just…”

Something fell on the floor.

A droplet.

Balthus looked up. Did it rain? No, the clouds were white, warm, beautiful…

“I… I… I’m so done,” Holst whispered. “Every day, I fight for my life because people count on me and need me alive but I’m so done!” He hiccupped. Balthus looked at him and understood… _Holst sobbed._ “I can’t die because Hilda needs me, I can’t die because no one can defend the border from Almyra. I can’t die because there is a War and Claude needs all the strongest warriors to make sure Fódlan wouldn’t change for the worst!!! But each battle, I beg for my death! I beg to see them again! If it has to be just a few seconds of death and see them again and then start this stupid routine once more, then fine! But I just want to die! I just… want to be with them. I don’t know why the Goddess hates me! I did everything she wanted me to do and she took away from me the two people I truly and deeply loved. And I’m supposed to keep living for her stupid sadistic game?!” River of diamonds rolled along Holst’s cheeks. “This isn’t fair…”

“Fair…” Balthus repeated.

He moved forward and rolled his arms around Holst, tugged him in a warm hug. Holst pressed his head against his chest and had a shiver. He would only remind the sound of Miklan’s heartbeat. How often he had cried in his arms after Glenn’s death. He was the only one who could see his tears back then. He had the feeling to betray his Miklan. Damn! If Miklan knew, he would have been so jealous. And he hated to make him jealous. Well… it was sexy but also, he didn’t want his Miklan to be upset.

And as he listened to Balthus’ heartbeats, he wondered… did he really remember Miklan’s heartbeats or it was just an illusion created by his mind because he needed his lovers so hard? It had been six years…

“Yeah… This isn’t fair. Why I had to lose them? At what moment I deceived the Goddess so hard that she wanted to punish me? What did I do wrong? And… do you think I can fix it? And if I fix it… will she give them back to me or will I finally die?” He kept crying and crying. Sometimes, what he said was incomprehensible because of sobs and hiccups. “And if I die… If I can hug them again… If I can feel them again… what will happen to my father? To Hilda? To… To the War between Almyra and us?”

“Holst… I will take care of it,” Balthus replied.

“Of what?”

“Your father, your sister…”

“Not in a sexual way?!” Holst asked through his tears.

“For none of them!” Balthus laughed and pressed a kiss on each of the wet cheeks.

“Ah… I’m sorry.”

Holst rubbed his cheeks, feeling ashamed of this.

“Don’t say ‘sorry’,” Balthus replied. “It’s fine to cry. I wanted you to cry!” he reminded.

Holst nodded. What he feared just happened: he was crying and he couldn’t stop it. he wanted to but the gates were open and now, he couldn’t control it. He had the feeling nothing could stop him from crying. Rivers, no torrents, streamed from his eyes and it hurt. It was hard to breath because of his nose filled with disgusting fluids and because he hiccupped and sobbed so much…

“My Queen… I can help you, you know? Even if you stay alive. You don’t have to keep all that pressure on your shoulders. I can lift a bit of the burden from your shoulders. I’m there. Hilda is there.”

“Hilda hates doing work!”

“And for you, she would,” Balthus replied. “You know it, right?”

“I… Perhaps.”

“Let me help you with the frontier. I’m strong enough for that! And let Hilda helps you with your father and the frontier.”

“Do you think she can?”

“Show her what she had to do,” Balthus replied. “You don’t have to do it if she does it. You can continue deal with some stuff sometimes. But also let her help. Focus on the Alliance for now. And you know, you have servants who deal with that too.”

“But his children should…” Holst started.

“Yeah, his children should take care of him but he should take care of his children too and not be a burden for them. Especially not his son who do already so much…”

“I love my father.”

“I know. And he loves you. But you have to think about yourself. Do less, think about yourself and your mourning. You are in right to think about yourself. Promise me you will.”

“I… I definitely can try.”

“Try?” Balthus laughed. He smiled, thought, and caressed the long pink hair. “’kay. Try is better than nothing. If you try, it’s fine.”

“Okay… I’ll try then. I swear…”

“Then it’s fine, my Queen.” He leaned on him, caressing his hair. He pressed a kiss on the soft forehead. “Just try. Take your time but, yes, please, try…”

Tears of diamonds kept falling on the ground but Holst tried to smile through them. But for once, it wasn’t a perfect smile. It wasn’t a porcelain doll smile…


	4. What's my worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Last Battle for the peace of Fódlan, Holst wakes up without purpose. He doesn't know what to do with his life ow that no War awaits him, no battalions need his commands and Hilda doesn't need him neither...
> 
> Theme: Broken Hearts

The pain in his heart and in his whole body was the first thing that brought Holst to himself. He was lying in a mattress.

He had flashes of that moment where his heart had been almost pierced. Hilda was by his side that day. He turned his head, wondering if she’d be there. His mind was numb. He saw them again. He had given his life for the sake of the Alliance and for the very first time… at least since very longtime, he lost. He had lost! And he didn’t know what had happened to the country. Last time, he had managed to bring safety to his men and Bunny was there to save the day. Ladislava couldn’t win.

Today…

Today, that guy almost broke Miklenn, almost killed Bunny and almost killed him…

So he was a bit mad.

He could have finished something, no?

He saw them.

He aged. He was as old as Miklan now. And Glenn just felt so young…

And, once again, the Goddess cursed him with life.

And Hilda… Hilda wasn’t there.

The door opened. Then closed a few seconds after. Holst kept staring the empty chair. If Hilda wasn’t there why was _he_ there? Perhaps it was here coming back and he should turn his head toward her. But it was Hilda. He would sense it if it was her.

“Nemesis has been defeated, Holst.”

“Is Hilda okay?”

“Yes. She has been wounded but nothing worrying,” the man said immediately. “Balthus made sure to protect her. Not that she really needs it. She is strong. And Balthus is safe as well.”

Claude Riegan.

Holst had recognized at his first words but he said nothing, just staring the chair. If he was alive and she wasn’t there. If even Balthus wasn’t there…

Claude sat in the chair Holst was staring.

“Fódlan… changed,” Claude said. “The Church as we knew it will change too. The Archbishop Rhea asked for our teach… I mean for Byleth Eisner to take over their role. But I don’t think they will do like Rhea. I hope for a better World.”

Holst nodded. “Without Crest, I hope…”

Claude stared at Holst’s left eye. You could see the green Crest on Goneril display around his pupil. It was discrete for now, almost invisible unless you were seeking for it. But when you knew what you looked for or when the Crest activated, it was just so obvious…

“I don’t know,” Claude replied. “I hope so. I grew up in a World where Crest has no matter. When I arrived here, it was so strange…”

“You’re Almyran, isn’t it?” Holst asked.

Claude looked at him and smiled. “What makes you believe that?”

“When you bargain with me to get the authorizations to let come the Almyrans inside,” Holst replied. “I know Nader. He is like me: a man loyal to his homeland. We know that about each other and that’s what prevented us to make bloodbath…”

“Is this why you never killed him and avoided killing the others Almyrans?”

“This is because I spare lives when I can.”

Claude nodded in a way that indicated he knew more than Holst said. After all, Claude wouldn’t surrender himself with people he couldn’t trust, with people he didn’t know everything, or at least a vast range, and the advantage with Holst? His name was in the Legend but, also, his little sister was the best teller you could dream off. She always talked about him and so, obviously, she had given away so many tasty details without realizing. Sometimes, it was just a scrap, insignificant for her. But so much for Claude who completed a silent puzzle in his side. He owned almost every piece of Holst’s personality, every secret. And the beautiful picture was almost done…

“You’re a good man, Holst. And I have something to ask you…”

Holst closed his eyes and laid correctly on his back, his hand resting on his wounded belly. Was it the reason why the Goddess granted him life again? He didn’t want this life. He didn’t want to stay alive when Miklan and Glenn waited for him but what would he do against the Goddess’ will?

“I concede to deliver you one secret. Just one. And I hope… I hope this will show you my good faith. For this thing I want to ask you. And for something else.”

Holst didn’t bother open an eye but Claude knew he was listening. He wasn’t breathing like someone who slept.

“I accepted to take the name Von Riegan because it would be _better_ that way. My mother abandoned her name when she fell in love with my father…”

“The King Noor Odainath…” Holst opened his eyes. “Isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Claude replied. “You are a smart man.”

“Observant,” Holst corrected. “Nader is a Warrior too high and the allegiance he offers you isn’t the allegiance of someone you met by hazard.”

Claude smiled. “Yes.”

“Plus… You have a White Wyvern. Almyrans don’t let those Wyverns leave that way. Not for Fódlan, not for Almyra. But reassured, not everybody knows that. And not everybody knows that the white is the color of royalty in Almyra. So no one knows you are the Prince Khalid Odainath from Almyra.”

“You are really smart,” Claude smiled. “I prefer when people call me Khalid because I am proud of who I am. But who would accept an half-Almyran as the ruler of the Alliance?”

“You are a good ruler. You don’t need to have a pure blood of Fódlan. If people judge you for that, I…”

“Yes, you,” Claude replied. “When I arrived, your name was on every lips. They want _you_ to rule. You were supposed to take over the Alliance and while my grandfather wanted to have a pure blood because he feared the Alliance to crumple if it wasn’t the Riegan blood. But everybody loves you. Beyond the Alliance. If you take over the Alliance…”

“I… Is this my Fate?” Holst asked. “That’s the reason why I am still living?”

“Can it be the reason?” Claude asked.

Holst didn’t reply. He was tired. He was so tired of being alive, of being the puppet of everybody. He had only one wish. If you pushed aside the fact that he loved Hilda so much and wanted to protect her, of course. If you pushed that aside, there was only one whim snuggled in his body.

Let him be with Glenn and Miklan.

Why the Goddess had to kill Glenn? Why the Goddess had to kill Miklan?

Why wasn’t it him?

From all the people that should have died… It should have been him. He would have given his life for them. And them… them, they said those same words to him ‘I’d die for you Holst.’ Glenn said them a bit before leaving for Duscur, believing he would come back; Miklan said them a little before a massive and devastating raze rampage… Thus lead him to be trapped by his own father and to be used as a puppet for his plans. Like so often before. But this time, it was the last hours of Miklan.

Today, Holst wished he could come back in time. He would beg them to _live_ for him and perhaps they would never die? Perhaps they would stay by his side forever.

Holst couldn’t kill himself.

He couldn’t do that to Hilda…

The only thing he could dream of was to die on a battle. But even this privilege, the Goddess wouldn’t grant it to him.

He was alive.

They were dead…

And he was promised to a long, painful and useless life…

“Listen…” Claude tugged closer the chair. “I will leave. I don’t want to rules this place. But I truly believe Fódlan shouldn’t be unified. That’s why even though the Alliance will rule it, I want to keep Adrestia and Faerghus. Someone has to rule Faerghus and I already found the perfect people. But I also wish to open Fódlan to others country. I met Dedue Molinaro and I gave back Duscur to him and his people. I met Petra Macneary and learn about the Archipelago of Dagda. And Brigid! Fódlan was closed to more and I want to open it to a new point of view! I contacted the future King of Sreng and he agreed to open his frontiers. If you agree, I’d like you to meet the Archduke of Faerghus and the King to become of Sreng. You’re not forced to. They will wait for you in Fhirdiad, in the Council Room in one month, the time for everybody to get up from that War and prepare each other. You can go there to meet them. Or you can do whenever you want and I’ll let Lorenz rule the Alliance for me.”

“So… this is my choice,” Holst whispered.

Claude nodded. “I will not force you.” He got up. He looked down at the dagger at his belt. He almost never used it but it was still something handy to have… He saw the sad gleam in his eyes. He valued life before everything but he didn’t feel like he could tell him ‘please life’ or ‘keep fighting’. Should he give him the dagger and see what will happen? He knew him since a moment now from their politics meetings and their War council but he didn’t feel that close of him. But did he feel really close of anyone? “I will bring you flower. Lot of flowers.”

Holst looked at him with a pale smile.

Yes, a pale smile.

Even though Holst wasn’t a perfect doll anymore, thanks to Balthus and Hilda, and allowed himself to cry, he kept doing his best to be a reliable General, a wall of positivity. But just for now… Just for one discussion, he allowed himself to be the broken heart he was…

“Look at that! Claude got you so beautiful!”

Holst turned his head toward the door and smiled, lowering a long sleeved black top over the bandage wrapping his belly.

“And he got me the most beautiful deliver,” Holst replied.

He walked toward Hilda, holding a huge bouquet of pink lilies and orchids as well as lilacs peppering here and there. Instead of taking the bouquet, he grabbed his sister and tugged her in a loving embrace, kissing her cheeks, again and again and again.

“Ah! Holst! You will have to redo my make up!” she warned with a laugh.

Holst smiled. “What a pleasure it would be!”

“I should do your make up! You look like you have been impaled!”

“Very funny!” Holst hugged her more. “But I heard you’ve been hurt…”

“Nothing worrying.”

“But I’m worrying! And I should kill whoever dared to touch you!”

“It’s too late. Claude already did. Balthus was sad because he wanted to do it himself!”

“Look at you, getting all the hearts!”

“Yes! But my favorite it’s your heart!” she said.

Holst hugged her a bit more.

“I love you…” he whispered.

“I love you too. But if you continue to squeeze, you won’t have to love me for a long time!”

“You know I will love you. Nothing can make me stop loving you.”

She nodded. “But I don’t want you to be sad…” she whispered. “Even though…”

She pulled away and he didn’t resist. He looked at her as she approached from the vase on the nightstand. It was Holst’s room so, obviously, there was one. He loved flowers and plants but it was a shame he hadn’t taken the time to make another bouquet. Those last months of War had been painful and he had let the responsibilities overwhelm him.

“Those flowers are too pretty. It’s not Claude who choose them, isn’t it?” Holst smiled.

Hilda turned her head toward him with a wide smile that was more than significant. Claude might have _bought_ the flowers but he certainly got Hilda or Lorenz’s help to choose the flowers.

Hilda focused on the flowers, arranging them a little. She stayed there a moment, stretching the time while her brother grabbed the jewels she made him over years so he could wear them again.

“Holst?”

“Yes?”

“I…” She never had struggled to talk to him, no matter what, except that day she had to announce him Miklan’s death. With her father, it was harder but with Holst? Not at all! She could talk about lovers and even got advice for a perfect _first time_. Obviously, he never judged her. No matter if she talked about a potential lover or a one night stand. And it was really good to be _accepted_ no matter her desire. “Did Claude told him… more about himself?”

“His origins, you mean?”

Hilda nodded.

“He was about to tell it to me but I was fully aware of it,” Holst replied.

“So you now he will return to Almyra?”

“Yeah. He asked me to rule the Alliance for him,” Holst said.

He sat on his bed and she came next to him.

“Will you?”

“I don’t know.”

Hilda bit his lower lip, which was something she usually avoided because she was supposed to be gracious and she always wore so much lipstick…

“You ow I’m dating him since a few years, right?”

Holst nodded.

“So, I… He…”

“Did he really ask me to do him a favour while taking away the most precious flower of my life?” Holst cut short.

So he got it. Hilda was relieved that she hadn’t to form the words by herself by also so sad to see his face covered with disappointment, sadness and a hint of anger. She didn’t like when his voice so full of joy and tenderness suddenly turned cold. No matter for what reason…

“He asked me if I would love to come with him and, perhaps, become his Queen one day, if I can put up with him on a daily basis,” she explained. “I love him, Holst. What am I supposed to reply? ‘No’?”

Holst looked at her.

He knew what it was to love someone so hard you always wanted to be with him. With them in his case. He knew what it was to suffer the absence and, of course, he didn’t want his little sister to suffer the absence of the loving one… But he also didn’t want to suffer her absence…

“I told him ‘yes’,” she replied. “Not today. Not tomorrow but… In a few weeks, in a few months perhaps, I would like to go there.”

“I understand,” Holst replied. “Follow your heart.”

She smiled to him and snuggled in his arms. “You know my heart will still a bit be there, with you. Almyra and Goneril’s dominions are pretty close from each other. And with a Dragon to help you, I’m sure it would just be a matter of minutes! I’ll send you lot of letters! You survived when I was at Garreg Mach, right?!”

She smiled widely to him.

He smiled back to her but with more difficulties. He didn’t want her to leave but he couldn’t be selfish neither.

“Are you sure of yourself, Hilda?” he asked.

“Yes. I might change my mind soon and say ‘no’ in the end? But I think I want to go there. I really believe, as soon as he will leave, I will feel that hole in my chest… If I don’t feel it… perhaps I will not leave because that would mean I don’t love him. Right?”

“Not necessarily,” Holst said.

“Okay. I love him, you know?”

“I know. And this is a good man. I can accept him as your husband. If it had been anyone else, I would probably have murdered him, or her, before they would get a change putting a ring at your finger.” He looked at her. “Did he?”

“No! He swore he would ask you before asking my hand!”

Holst laughed. “Me? You still have a father!”

“Yes!” She laughed too. “But I think he values your opinion more than anything. You really helped for this War. You accepted the help of Almyra without questioning it. Father would have hesitated. He believes you are a good man and he appreciates you… so I love him even more. Someone who loves my big brother can’t be someone bad,” she said, hugging Holst. “Right?”

He hugged her back, pressed their temples together. “Right…”

When Holst asked for a bath, the servants immediately obliged and went in his bathroom to warm the water in the tub. They also had prepared some scent and slid a bit of milk in it so he could relax himself and take care of his skin. They had also prepared one of the softest towels for him.

The War had been officially achieved since a week that seemed so short and so long. They had so many treaties to sign, so many paperwork to fill and so many places to visit… The week had been so exhausting. It was a good point, honestly, because Holst hadn’t the time to think, to realize how lonely he felt and how lonely he would be, with Hilda away…

But now…

Now he could think about it.

In the bathroom, Holst undressed. His long mane was his only fashion, curling along his curve, covering skin here and there in the softest way. Holst walked to the window and opened it. The cold air whipped his face and he let out a sigh but leaned on the windowsill. Bunny appeared, their wings bringing even more coldness. But Holst wouldn’t protest! Not at all! He smiled, pushed his forearm against the windowsill and tiptoed to lay a kiss on Bunny’s snout.

“I love you, my Bunny.”

Holst felt the thought coming back to him.

He pressed their forehead together, the big scales scrapped his forehead.

“See you later,” Holst said under his breath.

He waited for the Dragon to move away then, he closed the window and approached the big bathtub. The steam displayed a soft rose perfume around and Holst was eager to slide in this paradise but he needed to gather something else first.

While he was used to wield an axe and could fight with his bare hands or even use magic, Holst always kept a little dagger on him. You would never know what could happen and Holst always assured himself to be able to fight until he had been driven into a corner. And even there, he had huge nails and sharp teeth.

Anyone would believe a knife was useless in the bathroom and they would be right.

Except for what Holst wanted to do…

The dagger in hand, Holst spanned the edge of the bath and let his limbs then his whole body lean in the white-ish water. The steam engulfed him and made him slightly doozy. He closed his eyes to savor the feeling. Just for a few seconds. A few seconds of forgetting everything then it fire backed in his mind. How the War was over and he didn’t know what to do anymore, especially with Claude that will request a cessation of hostilities between Fódlan and Almyra. Obviously, truce was beautiful and Holst didn’t wish anything but this. But what would he do? There were no battles to fight and he had been raised for that. It had been more than the half of his life. And wasn’t it the worse knowing that he was so good at loving?! Talking about loving… love was abandoning him. Miklan and Glenn weren’t there anymore, Hilda was about to leave, Balthus managed to get involved in problems _already_ and weighed up the pros and the cons to run away or burry himself into the Abyss again… His father was still there but it was different since he was the one who had to take care of him. And that didn’t stop the suffering, the growing hole in his chest. It swallowed everything leaving only an unbearable ache and, now, a feeling of no purpose.

Yes, Claude had something to offer him but once again, who cared about what he wanted to do with his life?

Holst wanted that to stop…

He wanted his ordeal to meet its end.

Holst looked down to the dagger between his long fingers adorned with pink nails.

He wanted to choose for once. Just for once, he would choose what his fate would hold…

Holst knew what pain was. And for him, the pain in the heart, the absence of love remained the worst pain ever… So, when he pierced his left wrist with the blade, making slide blood along his skin, even though he hiccupped of pain, he welcomed it without panicking or tensing. He watched at the scarlet liquid surging from the wound. It slithered in his palm, rolled along his fingers and dripped in the bath. The light white turned into that pink Holst loved so much.

Holst caressed the surface and he closed his eyes, breathing slowly.

“Glenn, Miklan… I hope you’re waiting for me…” he whispered.

He couldn’t wait to see them again and the blood streaming seemed to defy him. It wasn’t fast enough.

He wanted to see them now.

Please, Goddess…

So long. He could feel life leaving his heart and he felt no remorse.

Each time the wound dared to stop the scarlet from river along the peach skin, Holst would shamelessly force the passage again.

He had time.

He would win this battle against his own body… Why his body struggled that way? Didn’t it want to see Glenn and Miklan as well?!

The almost constant sting was a reminder of his unreachable desire. He was born with a body consumed by love and lust and it betrayed him as soon as it was within its reach. Of course, his body was failing him again.

Not in the “correct” way.

But soon… the pain was replaced by a numb feeling.

And as the time pursued, as the bath turned colder but pinker, everything faded to darkness…

“Why are you that dumb?! I swear I’ll punch you back into your living life!”

“Holst…”

Miklan and Glenn…

Holst hiccupped as he opened his eyes.

“My loves,” he whispered. “I don’t have much time but I needed to see you.”

“Wh… what are you saying?”

“I asked Bunny to warn Balthus. He will burst into the bathroom soon and he will heal me. He’ll save me,” Holst eased.

“He’ll see you naked,” Miklan growled.

Holst looked down at his body, only covered with the pink waves. And with the few jewels he always adorned his peach body. He laughed ad pressed his lips against the two rings he loved so tenderly.

“Yeah, he will. I’m sorry Miklan. No one will touch my body in _that_ way though. I still belong to you too. When I’ll come back…”

“You wanna live?” Glenn cut short.

“I don’t want to live,” Holst replied. “But that’s why I needed to see you. I… I have a duty. Claude count on me. I trust Lorenz but despite everything that happened in the War, he is still under the thrall of his father. I understand why Claude asked me to take over the Alliance. I can help Lorenz so he can rule at my place. I don’t know. I don’t want to live without you but I have no others choices so… I’m here to ask you… will you wait for me? I might die when I’ll be old and ugly? But my heart… my heart will always love you…” Holst swore as he pressed his hands on his naked chest, on the scar above his heart.

On his heart.

“Holst…”

“Sunshine,” Miklan whispered.

They both wanted to hug him. Warm him in their arms. But if they touched him, he would never leave again. Today, it was even harder because… his love was so tender. Of course, they wanted it for them. Of course they wanted to be blessed by it again.

But they couldn’t.

He had a life to live. Savour with a bit of chance.

“We will wait for you,” Miklan said.

“Enjoy your life. We love you. I love you…”

“I love you too, Glenn. I love you so much. It’s been… It’s been eleven years but you still own my mind. And my heart.”

“Your love is so powerful…” Glenn smiled tenderly. “How… How can we have been blessed by such a love?”

“How can I have been blessed by your love and Miklan’s love?”

Pain surrounded Holst and he hiccupped.

“Holst?!” Glenn asked.

“Sunshine?!”

“They are reliving me…” Holst whispered. “I… I wanna stay longer with you. I wanna stay with you. Just a little bit more,” he begged.

“We always will be with you,” Miklan said. “We are with you. We are in your heart, in your thoughts. I love you, Sunshine…”

“I love you too, Miklan.” Holst gulped when pain swallowed him again. “I’m sorry for choosing life over you. But I can’t leave Hilda. I know… I know the Goddess has something for me. I don’t know what. But… But I know she has planned something. I have to keep living. And… this means having that chance that have been removed from you…”

“I want to see you having a long life, to see you being happy. Die old…”

“What if I died when I’d be sixty-nine?” Holst asked in a nervous giggle.

Miklan smiled. “That’d be so you.”

“So we do that?” Holst asked, tears rolling along his round cheeks. “I live but I never forget you. And in forty years…”

“In forty years,” Glenn gently said. “After a long life full of love.”

Holst hiccupped. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine. We will wait for you,” Miklan said. “Think about us kissing each other when you’ll take care of yourself.”

Holst laughed nervously. “I will! I will! And I’ll think about you! And perhaps… if I’m granted with a little death, I can see you a bit. Just a glimpse.”

“If it’s possible, I’ll make sure to welcome you,” Miklan said.

“And me too,” Glenn swore.

He blew a kiss to Holst. Holst grabbed it with his hand, as well as Miklan’s kiss, and pressed them against his heart. With his free hand, he blew them a kiss in return. One for each.

He tensed when he felt dragged into the life again.

“It only remains a few seconds,” Holst whispered. “I love you…”

“I love you!” Glenn replied. “If I could, I’d smooch you everywhere!” he said with a soft laugh.

“I love you, my Queen, my Sunshine. For everything. _Everything._ ”

Holst smiled but cried at the same time. He wanted to hiccup “sorry’ but he hold it back. Yet, he felt that way…

“I love you. I love you so much. I’ll… I’ll live for you.”

“HOLST!”

Holst hiccupped and opened his eyes. He felt how wet were his cheeks. He had cried.

“Holst!!”

Holst hadn’t the opportunity to look around, he already felt a body land on him. He recognized the perfume, the cloud of hair surrounding him. He wished to embrace her but weakness had invaded him, swallowed him all.

“You’re alive! You’re alive!!”

“Yes. I’m with you,” he whispered.

“Idiot! How dare you! If Bunny hadn’t brought Balthus to the bathroom?! If Bathus hadn’t…”

“I’m sorry. I’m here… I won’t leave you, Hilda. I won’t leave you.”

He gathered his strength so he could roll his arms around her, abandon himself to that embrace he wished so much.

“I was so afraid! I can’t lose you, Holst!”

“I will not leave you.”

She straightened and looked at him, tears rolling from her eyes, slithering along her cheeks and toppled on his face. For a second, just a second, Holst wondered if his cheeks were wet because of her tears. But he realized their tears were melting.

“I love you, Hilda. I love you more than them. I’ll stay with you. For you.”

She stared at him, her view blurred with the tears.

“I love you.”

“I love you,” he replied. 

Two weeks later

The most positive, and practical certainly, point when you had a Dragon was the absence of long travel. Holst had to be in Fhirdiad in three hours for that meeting Claude had set, and the servants were only helping him to get ready. They were fitting a long black dress over his slender body, widely open from the left hip and allowed to see the black pants and the black leather boots he wore. He still mourned his lovers so he was in black but he allowed himself to fashion. So his dress was sleeveless and had a heart shaped window allowing to see the upper part of his pectorals, and that scar on his heart. They were turning his long mane to a beautiful ponytail, adorned with flowers and jewels. He could have done it himself, but while they took care of him, he could read the gigantic stack of information they gathered here and there. He was able to read about Claude’s plans and wishes while knowing the Alliance was laying in his palms. In his desires.

Claude was up for anything.

As long as it was in the interest of Fódlan. And Claude fathomed Holst’s true intentions. Claude fathomed Holst’s personality and didn’t fear what the Legendary General would do with such a power within his grasp.

“Sir Bunny is ready, your Grace,” a servant announced.

“Very well. I will leave for Fhirdiad and will be back before the nightfall,” Holst said.

“Yes!”

“When Hilda is supposed to leave for Almyra?”

“Tomorrow. With a bit of chance, you will see her before she leaves. But you know her! She certainly won’t leave before the afternoon, too busy to sleep in!”

Holst sighed with envy. “Indeed. How I wish I could do the same!”

“Perhaps when you’ll have done your work.”

Holst turned his head toward the warm voice. He smiled to his father, brought there by four servants lifting his chair.

“Father!”

“I wanted to congratulate you. Today, you become officially the ruler of the Alliance. I wish you’d be able to weave indestructible links with Faerghus and Sreng.”

The servants put down the chair at a few centimeters from the stairs.

“I hope the same,” Holst said. He walked toward him and pushed away the veils of his dress so he could kneel in front of him. “You taught me well and I only wish to succeed and make you proud.”

“Holst… I am proud of you. I always have been proud of you. You have done so much since you were fourteen and before yet. You raised your sister when I couldn’t do it anymore. You fought to save Fódlan from Almyra when we needed it. You fought to protect the Alliance, and Fódlan, when the rage of War overwhelmed the hearts. And this despite the vise around your heart… I am proud of you, Holst. So proud of you.”

Holst smiled and straightened enough for their noses to be close. Enough for his father to rub their nose together.

“Thank you, father.” Holst straightened and his fingers gently caressed his father’s cheek. “I’m leaving but I’ll soon be back.”

“Yes. Take care of yourself and give a pet to Bunny for me.”

Holst laughed. “Yes, father! I will!”

Holst smiled and swirled on his heels. He walked to the front door, surrounded with two gueridons were two bouquet of white carnations patiently waited their wilt. The pink and red tones had disappeared long time ago and while the others flowers remained pink or red, for Hilda and his father’s liking, Holst had let his favorite flowers lose their color. They didn’t need it anymore because he was alone. And with his love disappearing, the color vanished… letting place to purity, loyalty, dedication. The ghost of his love.

Holst came outside the house and he walked to Bunny who gently waited for him. Holst smiled and rubbed their face together. The Dragon wrapped their wings around him. It was good to see him so full of life again. Sad, with long moment were sorrow swallowed him, but full of life again. Because he knew he was awaited, because the guilt in his chest had disappeared. Glenn and Miklan didn’t hate him for staying alive. Miklan and Glenn wanted to see him live and enjoy what was offered to him.

It still hurt.

Holst still didn’t understand why the Goddess cursed him that way and what he could do to ease her anger but he could pursue his life. And it was less painful to pursue that way.

Holst climbed on the back of Bunny and waited for them to set off, to bring him to Fhirdiad.

Fhirdiad.

Holst realized he never saw those streets before. But it was as if he already had wandered around them. The light gray spreading around, in the walls, in the floor and wherever you would look. The light gray draped with blue and lion figures. How it was splendid!

Holst caressed a wall, a beginning of a maze he didn’t want to walk in. A wall that, without the slightest doubt, Glenn had touched before. Miklan perhaps? He knew Glenn was a knight and was the nephew of the King so he certainly had passed so many hours there, running on the gray pavements, dashing through the streets. Had he bathed in that fountain despite the rules? No. No, it wasn’t _Glenn_ ’s kind. But he could imagine Miklan doing that! Especially to bother his father or Rodrigue!

This Capital was breathing their lives.

Oh, it certainly had changed seems them. Yes… you could see the shadow of the War, drawing tracery everywhere. But when he walked toward the Castle, he felt their ghosts. He had the feeling he could feel their embrace. It was as if their arms wrapped him and it was so good.

Almost as good as the looks lingering on him and Bunny while they walked on the cobweb of the Capital. The adults, mostly, were impressed or afraid. You didn’t see a Dragon very often! But the children? They ran around the Dragon, calling him, throwing them food as if he was a big pigeon. Some adults, and children!, stared at Holst in a way that was quite significant. The Legends talked about a General, a Hero, with a mane color of love. The Legends talked about someone as gracious and beautiful than Holst. And the Legends talked how he managed to tame a Dragon.

Taming…

As if he would have tamed Bunny.

But if people could recognize him, be impressed by him. Enthralled by him…

Holst walked to the big Castle and entered inside when he had proved who he was to the two Soldiers guarding the entry. Bunny had to stay outside but they could go play with the children and, perhaps, receive treasures from those who wanted to praise them, Holst and them, for the exploits they had heard about in Legends and Myths.

Holst was lead through the Castle until he arrived in the Reunion room. Servants arrived a bit after him and brought a pitcher of water and glasses. Holst thanked them and sat in a chair that could fit him. He wouldn’t take the place of a future King or of the one that would be granted Archduke to rule under the command of the chief of the Alliance.

And it still would be Claude.

Holst was only the extent of his hand.

He could rule.

But did he want it?

Of course no.

Holst thought about Glenn and Miklan, who else. Had they already crossed those doors? He could imagine Glenn walking after his father when Rodrigue had a reunion with the King. He smiled, imagining Miklan, growling and pestering because, yes, he was there but it had been so difficult!

He could see them, as the door opened. Luxurious clothes adorning their body, the blue of Faerghus and the soft green of Sreng. That color so important for them because it was the glimpse of hope through the rigorous and almost eternal winter…

“Glenn… Miklan…” he whispered.

“Please. I’m not Glenn! What’s wrong with everybody?!”

“Miklan? Do I look that much like him? Told ya my hair were getting longer!”

Holst got up. “No, no! Please! Of course… of course, you are Felix and Sylvain…” He brought his hand to his heart. “I was lost in my thoughts. I had the honor to know your brothers.”

“You knew them?” Felix repeated.

“You are…” Sylvain moved forward. “Miklan had some portraits of you. They didn’t do you justice.”

“He had portraits of me?” Holst smiled.

Sylvain smiled.

Holst closed his hand a bit more on his heart. The two rings were shining under the flame of the candelabras.

“Anyway…” As he looked down to the golden ring with the flower shape, the symbol of the Royalty of Sreng, he cursed every of those who dared say to him he was so smart. How couldn’t he have understood earlier?! “Sylvain, you are the King of Sreng to become. Am I right?”

Sylvain nodded. “I took over the role that had been torn away from my mother.” He walked toward Holst with Felix. He saw the ring that had been lost with his brother. “What kind of relationship you had with my brother?”

“The relationship of the flesh.” Holst smiled when he saw the stupor in Sylvain’s eyes. “I loved him. And he loved me.”

Sylvain was even more surprised.

Holst looked down to the rings. He wondered… was it the reason why he was still alive? He was good to love and he knew how much Glenn loved his little brother. The most important thing for him was to know Felix was happy, safe and in good health… The War had deformed his features but you could see how he became stronger from that War. Yet, Holst knew Felix wasn’t the kind of people you could let at the reins of a Realm. Glenn had been clear on this. Hilda had already mentioned this point a few times…

Holst also knew how Miklan hated Sylvain for what he had been blessed with when he had nothing. But he also knew how Miklan wished he could love Sylvain. He used to love him before his father taught him that he didn’t deserve to love and to be loved. Before his father taught him hatred through the abuse. In the secret of the sheets, he always confessed how he would have loved to be different. He tried… He tried but it was hard. He tried so hard but the hatred, the anger… they were so powerful in his heart. He wanted to believe things would be different bathed with Holst and Glenn’s love. But he never got that chance…

So, looking at them, standing in front of him, Holst wondered if Claude, who was a firmly non-believer of the Goddess, wasn’t ironically working with her. Because at this exact moment, he had the feeling he could understand why he had been cursed by this life.

“I also loved your brother,” Holst added to Felix. “And he loved me. I am… sincerely sorry for your loss. Both of you. I know Miklan didn’t matter as much for you, Sylvain, but…”

“His death moved me. I never wished that,” Sylvain replied. “He was cruel and, often, I wondered why he had to… Why he wanted that much to hurt me and how I could ease the Beast but I was moved. Because I knew he was more than the hatred he showed me. Because sometimes, he was nice with me, to hit on Glenn. Because I remember the first years…” Sylvain looked at Felix who had brushed his hands with the back of his fingers. “I don’t forgive, I don’t forget… But I wish I could have received the chance to… see the best of him.”

“He won’t come back…” Holst whispered.

Sylvain wasn’t angry for those words because he heard the suffer within them.

“Miklan won’t come back but I know what was good in him. I have to work for Claude so we will see each other quite often I think.” Holst let out a giggle. “So… I can show you that, perhaps.”

“I’d be glad to. And I’m glad you don’t want to kill me!” Sylvain laughed. “I know your sister! I love her! I mean!! She is my friend! I’m in love with someone else. But she told me you would destroy me if you had the chance to see me.”

“My sister is the smartest and she is always right! But… I think you had enough. And I want to give you the love Miklan couldn’t give you. If I have to live… I want you to be the reason. You, Hilda… and you, Felix. I will assist you. I will help you in the burden you will have to carry as the new ruler of Faerghus.” He smiled slightly. “I would love to tell you I’d protect you like Glenn would have but I knew learn about your exploits, your strength… I don’t think you need me. But if ever… If you need anything.”

“Your help, in politics, is more than accepted.”

“Then I will help you. Whenever you want. I really can be here in a short time.”

“Thank you,” Felix replied.

Heels echoed in the floor.

Hilda was making jewels in her room, the soft perfume of the flowers her brother had chosen floating around. She could have decided to keep the pin and red so precious to her aesthetic, _their aesthetic_ , but it was important to her. It was the flowers her brother had chosen.

So it was so important…

The door opened. And Hilda felt arms around her. A hug warm and protective.

“Hilda! You my dear, will learn to be a queen with me. And you better send me lot of letters. And if ever you have babies, know that I WILL KILL FOR THEM!!!!!”

Hilda laughed and moved in his arms to hug him back.

“If you teach me to become a Queen, I sure will be the best alive. Well!! Just after you!”

“Better than me!” Holst said. He hugged her even more. “Forgive me if I failed. I’ll do everything for you.”

“You never failed me,” she said. “I understand your pain. And I will always send you letters. So much you will have enough of me!”

“I will _never_ have enough of you!!!”


	5. Epilogue : Ten years later

10 years later

Years had passed.

Holst’s scars never closed. Not the one in his heart, not the ones in his flesh. But you couldn’t see anymore the mark on his wrist because a red and blue tattoo, G and M intertwined, displayed on his skin…

The Sun was warm and the breeze light so Holst was taking advantage of the situation and just chilled in the garden, surrounded with flowers. A few rocks allowed the papers he had to read to stay still. Bunny, who slept just next to him, would certainly have loved chasing the papers but Holst preferred it that way.

“Uncle Holst! Uncle Holst!!!”

Holst looked up and smiled when he saw a little girl, barely reaching six, dashing toward him. She had the long hair of her mother.

“My little Prudentia!!!”

Holst jumped on his feet and dashed to her. He lifted her and made her swirl in the air. She laughed, spreading her arms.

“It’s such a pleasure to see you like that.”

Holst squeezed the little girl against his chest and turned the head toward the King Khalid Odainath who walked with his son in his arms. The baby was brown of hair but you could notice the pink reflects of the Goneril’s family.

Khalid knew how Holst could be embraced by the sorrow and sadness. You never knew. A bad day. Bad thoughts swirling in his minds and he would stop being a Sunshine.

But today, he was.

“I want a hug too!” Hilda said.

“Of course!!” Holst held out his arms to her. “You deserve every hugs I own!!”

“And me!” Lil’ Prudentia protested.

“I hug you both at once!!” Holst said.

He grabbed his two Princesses and hugged them in his arms with delight.

He swore he would live for Glenn and Miklan but to be honest? That little family, Felix and Sylvain, and Bunny of course, without forgetting Balthus and his father… they all helped him to live. Until the day where he would be blessed with the Fate. With the encounter with Glenn and Miklan he awaited so much.


End file.
